reliable at being (brutally) honest

I saw him dancin' there by the record machine
I knew he must 'a been about seventeen
The beat was going strong Playin' my favorite song
An' I could tell it wouldn't be long Till he was with me, yeah me
An' I could tell it wouldn't be long Till he was with me, yeah me singin'
I love rock n' roll
So put another dime in the jukebox, baby
I love rock n' roll
So come an' take your time an' dance with me
OW..
He smiled so I got up an' asked for his name
That don't matter, he said, 'Cause it's all the same

I was planning to sing my hearts out last night if only not for the half naked but not tempting bodies around me. Yes, I am not supposed to drink because of liquor's effect on my skin but it was supposed to be a birthday party so I took one, and then another, then another, then another then the world started spinning and I couldn't stop grinning. My brain was somewhere else though playing a video on my mind about something uh, worldly. I was shamefully fantasizing about that person and Nikko said I was being creepy. Hah! like he doesn't do the same.

---
This personality I have usually does me good favors and bad vibes without me knowing. Dan, this kid I work with said that every time I speak in the class I always do so with authority and thus perplexing our trainer. *sigh* I said, "You know what kid, I was just simply asking. Nothing more nothing less." He then smiled (together with Aminah :) he explained that it wasn't actually bad I just happen to (in his opinion) imply that I cannot simply be taken less seriously because I do make sense. I smirked thinking that I am at times submissive or embarrassed and it's a contradiction to what I think of how I convey my thoughts/feelings. I guess it's because in my end I say/think things exactly as they are and I do not joke around. I do not make asinine remarks or have this usually kinky/awful hidden meaning on them. As I was being told that I have taunted Jayson (unbeknownst to me of course) I suddenly felt like being burned on a stake and as I played yet another video about the previous days we have spent with him he must have been
a.) totally pissed
b.) totally amused
or my favorite c.) didn't care at all
Yep, i am hoping he didn't care at all, wait scratch that last part. You see the moment he said "I would say things as it is." It made an impression to me that he (in my initial perception) conducts his personality in a template, get what I mean? Take for example me, If I say, "You're such an idiot." I really am saying he is an idiot. Usually these unwanted words are born because of indignation. I am talking about someone else now who made me totally angred a couple of days ago and even if he self-proclaimed that we are okay my entire being says, "Hell no!" but I was too sleepy to talk so I just stared blakly. I hate rude people, okay so maybe I also apear such so I'll explain further.
situations:
a. I am currently speaking to someone and then suddenly someone butts in without so much an excuse me
b. I am standing in a long line to order something and someone suddenly decided to stand in front of me claiming my spot
Usually in situations like this I would inform them of the event they'd usually apologize or raise their eyebrows or make a stupid laughing sound. If only my thoughts are written on my face it would say, "I will give you a horrible death." All right that's too graphic and I think I walked to far away from my original topic.
Going back, I also spoke to Joan about this behaviour (the authoritative speaking manner), in her case though since I'm already adept with grammar and all, we didn't exchange much question and answer on the one hand this Jayson person (take note of the fact that)... Dang, why does it always happen to me? It's really arduous to carry on with this being myself thing. I do not even ask for redemption or absolution because there is nothing to apologise for but I like those two (Joanne and Jayson) so I decided to speak to them this coming week. Besides, there is this one small comment that I cannot bring myself to forget.
----
All right, enough of this, time for a different tack in trying to dissect my complex unspecified relationship with Yan (here I go again). My question is how do I obliterate these little Yan viruses in my system considering the fact that he broke my heart? I no longer wonder why I never had a boyfriend since I was a toddler. Yeah, love stinks, come to think of it I have non committal proposals lined up... what's a girl to do?

my kind of game

Last Monday night, i made a pact with the man upstairs. It's not exactly a pact, more like asking for a sign, you know that kind of thing where you think of something and if it happens...going back, that kind of thing is something I do not often do but it's fun so I tried. What's the point me being reckless if I cannot do useless but fun things sometimes, yeah?
The sign (say wearing a periwinkle plaid shirt)I decided upon of was carefully thought over. I made sure I thought of the least possible thing to happen according to my initial assessment. But it did happen today and I grinned, "Interesting." After tonight, all I really have to do is eviscerate my bottled up romantic/sexual feelings/frustrations and then maybe I'll know what to do next.
---
All I actually wanted was a single smile.
---
I made a Christmas/Wish list last year but I cannot remember if I got any, so anyway here's a new list.

1. The latest kick-ass laptop, I'm thinking of Mac since I love the interface and I also love the outside appearance. Yes, the reasons are kind of silly but then again I really want to have a computer that i can bring anywhere anytime just to help me with maintaining this blog, editing my manuscripts and to store my latest drawings.

2. Catch 22 and The Great Gatsby, any edition would work but I'm hoping to get a hardbound copy.

3. A new leather pencil case. A big one since I will have to store a large number of items in it.

4. A new pair of Chucks, this time I'd like black.

5. A chance to see my future. ( I'm too lazy to explain what I'm trying to say.)

6. A new yellow, beetle bug that I can use to drive all around.
-----
I do not know if I mentioned this before but I have been taking my sweet time to watch really tiny school of fish living in a sewer on my way home. They all looked so delighted as they swan their way into the black smelly crowded knee high (i assume) water. I would pause at times and be amazed at how content they are because if they are not they won't be wriggling at all right? So I thought, I can relate, I have this talent of finding beauty i na place where most people find desolate, sad or heartbreaking. I am not living the life I have always wanted but for some reason I always smile equipped with openness, gratitude and peace. Or maybe, I am already living the life I want minus the Media Arts degree, novel and short film (wait, scratch the last part I already made a film once as a screenwriter and co director). I just spoke to an old friend from college a few hours ago and I told her that the reason I wanted to leave the country is because I am running towards another set of future, an opposing route as to what my mind is telling me. I probably will already be late if I did accomplish that specific plan but then again that's how I always stack my priorities.
----
I really want to meet someone who is good with literature just like Greg Hetson.

a probability a question and a glass of wine

For the past few months I have been denying the fact that I need him. He who's heart is so pure that I am too ashamed to even stay near him. He had always been there for me even if I do not need him. There is this perpetual bond that gets stronger and stronger as the days go by. A man who doesn't care how much I sometimes hate and question him. A man who can really love unconditionally. A man who is not afraid to love me. A love so real it scares me. For the past few months I have been denying the fact that I need him, now he is all I need. After all these emotional turmoil I am going through he is the only one whom I trust. The only who would know exactly how I am doing no questions ask. He wouldn't even care that I am crying for someone who made me cry, crying for someone who broke my heart (even if I'm half to blame). He is all I need. Maybe if I just spent more time with him before I wouldn't be like this but then again I wouldn't be me. To be precise he is the only person who understands me even if my words seem to confuse everyone else. The one who knows me best. I'm losing this fight and I need someone I can lean on to prevent me from breaking into pieces. Most of my friends know that I am a fighter and I keep on doing so as long as I can but in this situation fighting is futile if the person I am fighting for no longer wants me. That's why I really need HIM. HIM who can keep me breathing.
He will always know what should be done. If only He can talk to me directly. I want to know what to make of this current predicament.

---

Picking up the slack I just thought that maybe I was left to solve this certain little fact that I just got thrown upon. I do not want to cease to exist or even emulate or pass as someone else or even be a secret identity of myself. Before it really didn't bother, not by much. It's just that I want to shut these butt heads up. I might even be to archaic at times so excuse me for foregoing a ritual of some sort. I don't even know how to say this but there's a yearning in my fingertips for tenderness which isn't something I usually am. I guess I'm just trying to move ahead to something more innate and then...

Aha. I know I'll find someone to kick my ass into oblivion. Hmm an enticing image.

pangalawang entry sa wikang noypi

sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung bakit nasasaktan pa din ako sa tuwing naalala ko siya ni hindi nga namin parehong mabigyan ng katuturan yung "relasyon" namin kung matatawag man yung relasyon. alam kong tama ang ginawa kong pamamamalam pero...ewan. masakit lang talaga, siguro kasi sa isip ko at sa puso ko dati siya talaga yung gustong kong makasama, nakakasundo ko siya, nakikinig siya sa mga kwento ko, para kaming soul mates, pero soul mates na magkalayo at ayoko naman nun. kung bakit kasi natagpuan ko pa sa isang taong nakapag desisyong tumira sa amerika ang mga bagay na gusto ko sa isang ginoo. bakit nga ba? isa ba itong babala mula sa itaas? o isa lamang siyang paraan para makatagpo ako ng higit na nakalaan sa akin?
nakakabagot na ang paulit ulit kong pag gunita sa bagay na 'to. gusto ko nang matapos paano ba?

a can of coke

I've been standing under the shower for 40 minutes now. I'm shivering and the water that is blasting with faithful surrender is cold but I do not want to move. I'm pressing my palm on the tiled bathroom wall steadying myself. A few minutes more and I started to brush off the remaining soap suds on my skin and rinse off the minty shampoo on my short hair. I walked out of the bathroom with adrenalin pumping and intensity buzzing on my veins.
I've been standing on the sidewalk for about 10 minutes when I heard the church bells a few blocks behind me. I looked up the gloomy sky, smiled and squinted my right eye as droplets of the coming rain started to pour. It's the church bells again, I am not a religious person but there's this unfathomable effect that a church (bells or no bells) bring to me. They remind me of invitations that I usually decline. I cannot stop smiling and checked my mind for vestiges of last night's, you see I was trying to catch the attention of someone in the hopes of shutting him up but someone else took the bait. Now, this is another story (entirely), cutting my loses I went ahead and teased him. The traces of his after shower cologne reached my nostrils in a submissive manner. I rubbed my chin carefully and I thought of my 8 year old autistic and adorable cousin Jap, he smelled like Jap only more delicious.
Our latest trainer is from Makati. He made me miss Makati even more. In retrospect, it would've have been better if I stayed where I was. Back there in Pio del Pilar my life was exactly how I wanted it to be. True, there are moments of unmistakable idiocy and divine agony but how I loved it. I happen to love insidious things as well so everything suited me fine. I miss my friends. I miss the cobbled pavement near PhilamLife. I miss my solidarity. I miss annoying my landlady. An exhilarating, peaceful and content life, wait scratch the last part. As I spend my days here in Davao City I thought there really are other ways to kill a person other than death. Even though there is no real me I miss what I was in Makati, although alone. My seatmate is listening to Led Zeppelin's The song remains the same. I closed my eyes and racked my brain for impressionist paintings, full of anguish and raw intensity. It hangs vividly on a stonewall in the museum section of my brain. My breathing is calm, my mind turns blank. What a beauty.
----
That was last week. This one's a couple of days ago. I went home early Saturday morning I didn't do much but sleep the moment I got home. The next morning as I prepared myself a cup of jasmine tea I said, "My lungs are filled with ______" In my mind the word bacteria finishes the sentence but my brother supplied me with another answer, "joy" he said. So it went like this, "My lungs are filled with joy." That boy never fails to amuse me according to him I should be thankful he just gave me a compliment.

better than chocolates

el

I haven't read a good book in ages. I checked the local National Bookstore for a copy of A Clean Well Lighted Place by Ernest Hemingway's and I can't even find a book review copy. I don't feel like buying and reading those pop books (my own words) so it's very frustrating. It seems as is the ones I am looking for is always NOT available. The Great Gatsby isn't in either. Sigh. This is the pits.
-----
In the middle of my coffee break I was talking to this friend of mine about how frustrating my day was I babbling about some dark little secrets and sometime between sipping the remainder of my coffee and paying to the counter he said that it's not a good thing to self pity. Uh what? I'm sorry but I do not pity myself. A lot of people say that but no sir, I certainly do not pity myself. Maybe my frustration about what happened earlier was nurturing my inner bitch but nuh-uh it isn't self pity. I always wonder why people automatically think that you pity yourself when you ruminate bad things that happens to you. Oh well, I'm too tired to think about it so let's fats froward to the time when my shift was over. I was one of those who was still waiting for my test results and we we're informed that we can either go home or wait, I waited. Looking at just how inane the conversation around me has become again it's the right choice to separate myself from the sea of pointless chatter.
----
The other night I experienced a real dream. A dream so tangible it helped me forget for a little while. There's this freaky little thing about me. Every time I am with my parents I always feel like I am nothing. I cannot share my dreams and hopes and I cannot seem to even smile, a real smile. A fair warning for future events, stay back.
----
While I am sipping my morning porridge and typing this post I suddenly missed the times when I had someone I could easily talk to. I long for it even if most of the time the person I am talking to is getting closer to a place that hurts and is dangerously accurate about his/her words. These pesky emotions just love toying with me, a perfect timing nonetheless.

rebel

You know if I am happy now I'm sure I'd be miserable. Last night as I was being talked into staying in my rented place I thought I am the one who is always running away. I absolutely love the feeling and idea of running although instead of running away from I would like to run towards something for a change. I am not the sweetest person in the world, I could get funny though and maybe a little more but I'm sure I am humiliated. Yep, humiliation for me is right up the alley of brutality. I don't even find honesty scary. I made myself get used to the idea of telling the truth because more often that not honesty hurts more than the lies so that's why to ready myself for any unwanted pain I made honesty my first defense. Besides I kind of have an intolerance for bullshit and awkward laughter. Okay, where was i humiliation, I'm saying humiliation because I never had anyone tell me they're in love with me(except maybe for Yan although I'm not sure because when we talked about it I wasn't listening because I was trying to disabuse whatever it was that we were talking about in the first place, so his confession (or not) doesn't count). I am not even looking for a boyfriend or husband and such. I just need to know if I am still human enough to be loved without a mirror or tape measure.

this litte girl

The story ends with these words: Now, without thinking further, he would go home to his room. He would lie in the bed and finally, with daylight, he would go to sleep. After all, he said to himself, it's probably only insomnia. Many must have it.- Ernest Hemmingway
Have you ever tried being transfixed at something so quick to disappear but still drawn to it even if you know you're only going to get disappointed? That ever happened to you? Hmm? It's like nominally putting yourself adhere into something ridiculous. I don't know if I said that the right way but hell, I'm just talking here. Hehehe, I just thought of something, that situation I just mentioned a while ago is like putting something pointless on your desk at work or in your fridge, totally tacky.
----

I originally didn't wan to say this because it is cheesy and annoyingly unlikely to describe me but as I walked home and saw this small obscured wine store that reminded me of a old friend whom I occasionally call the unusual suspect Yes, somehow it's just so difficult to admit that he hurt me. I'd go on lengths just to run to his defense when he really doesn't even care the slightest bit. Last Friday as a product of alcohol and vexation I kissed this guy. Oh but how awful was it?! Jeez, can't a miserably hotblooded chick even find any decent kisser these days? I was mesmerized NOT by how amazing it was BUT by how disgusting it was. Even so, I didn't wait for the next set of drinks to be passed around I left his side and borrowed my friend's flimsy shoulder as a wall to hide my laughter.
Let us talk about something else, a friend once told me that I am his paranoia. Ah, how sweet is that? Every time someone says something out of the ordinary to me I always feel as if I am being brought to this place where I can exist. Free of all those lingering looks and demented judgement. Also because I have a lot of ideas who I am and it's always a kick in the butt to be slightly told to change what I think of myself, although I never do that.

a little late for that

nataliedee.com
----

A couple of nights ago a particular person kept on badgering me about every word that comes out of my mouth I'd turn around accosted by a frown and naked pleasure playing on my lips. I thought this particular person was just being a bitch because this particular person also casually mentioned a few days before that that I am bossy and irritating. So, my little time to talk became a lot smaller because of it, I realized later on that this particular person just didn't understand most of the words I used, I thought wrong, it all happened simply because of vocabulary or the lack there of. I felt sorry for that particular person and I do mean that. The incident reminded me of my years yonder. My mind would flash back on those excruciating images of being an awkward person. I walked looking at the ground a lot, my hair isn't brushed clean and shiny, my body scrawny as if I was composed entirely of bones and skin and I was too smart for my age. I didn't like the way I was but I am glad I came from that side of human division, all because of it I serendipitously made it all the way here. When moments of unlikable things pop into my head even if those things turned out to be valuable I still devise tactics for distraction. A side note though I wonder why most people does not circumspectly work their way around people they barely know.
The first one would be turning myself into a whiny shit or just plain mean. I'd watch people live their hours at work like the usual and I would make a fool out of themselves by slapping their perfectly misguided idea about me or anything we are talking about at that moment. I like the predictable bewildering looks on their faces. They are what I call an easy crowd. The second tactic would be thinking about my next item of clothing. Now, do not misunderstand me, I am not the type of person who takes ages picking out a dress for an afternoon coffee break. Its just that my mind would simply wander in the imagery of my uncomplicated pile of wardrobe. I'd usually just wear a shirt, baggy jeans and my trusty sneakers (which I happen to have murdered two years ago and yes they are original Chucks, just a fact I do not buy fake and yes, I am bragging). If those two didn't work then I'd simply drown myself in little displays of fortune. Right now, as I sit here in an Internet cafe with a bloody PMSing counter person I thought of sugar. I know, I am digressing and I'm probably confusing you. It's just that when you are in the process of taking in too much of any sugary substance by the time you're finish you'd slowly feel like throwing up, and throwing up always make you feel better afterwards.

lindsay monroe and eddie doling and my raging fever

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I want you to want me.I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me. - Joey Potter
----
Tonight, it's all black and white,
The sky is so quiet
But inside a battles raging wild.
Why do I fight? Why do I fight Heaven's love?
When all I need, is more of you in me.
Now, I need you now More than the air I'm breathing Now, Yes I'm crying out from the depths of my inmost being. Now, come have your way with me. Yes, I need you now....
The dawn chases the dark, out of my heart, As tears of gladness roll. They wash over me, like the waves of the sea, Shouting out their hallelujahs.
And I am free, with more of you in me.
Now, I need you now More than the air I'm breathing. Now, Yes I'm crying out, from the depths of my inmost being. Now, come have your way with me. Stay close and never leave, Until you're the heart that beats, Inside of me.
I need you now, I need you now, I'm crying out,more than the air I breathe. Yes I need you now, yes I'm crying out, And all I need... Is more of you in me now.I need you now..... Yes I need you now.There is more of you in me now. John David Webster
----
My entire body is aching and my brain is trying so hard to concentrate on my present predicament. What I'm scared of right now is that my hands would again hurt and then I'd have trouble controlling it again and I'm scared that I won't be able to draw again. There is also this aching feeling that is in the process of dying. I know this sounds really melancholic and pathetic but I am so glad that we still feel the same way. You already know that I love the idea and beauty and physical pains of walking so you'd also know that the tears doesn't exist anymore and i feel alienated from myself. Someone asked me earlier if I'd befirend my self if I we're another person and I said. "No, I don't think so. I'd be jealous of myself and I won't be comfortable being with me."
There is also a certain fondness and pride that I've developed for staying sane and staying myself. A lot of people had suggested that I should let loose blah blah because it's one way of making guys approach me. It's funny because I find that really stupid. Why on earth would I pretend to be someone I'm not when my main reason would be finding someone whom I'd like to spend a lot of time with? I want someone who would be with me because they just want to be with me. NOT because I'm interested or weird or I have a lot of levels of mytifying something. I DON"T want that. No, thank you. That idea turns me off, way off. There have been only a few guys who did exactly what I needed.
Yan Cote- a person with the most beautiful soul I've ever known
Michael Achilles- a former boss who became a realy good friend
John Christian Velarde - the biggest flirt but smartest little guy I've met
Nikkolaison Ervin Omana - a really good guy despite the womanizing
So, I am fortunate and I already know what it is that I'm looking for. What most people doesn't understand is that--I maybe wrong or right about a lot of things but I am never confused.

This is Anna Belknap who plays the role of Lindsay Monroe in CSI:NY. She is the reason why I watch CSI:NY. She is really smart and funny and I love her style as a csi.
His real name is Oliver Hudson, yes, Kate's younger brother. I was just racking my brain earlier about my celebrity crushes and he was the second one who came to mind. The first one is of course Johnny Depp, my ultimate obssession. Okay, going back to Mr. Hudson, I first saw him in an episode in Dawson's Creek. He was Joey Potter's love interest at Worthington. He had the best lines and he was so amazing with literature. I always am amazed with men who are so articulate and knowledgeable about literature. Also, look at those eyes, and lips and strong jaw.
---
I do have a fever. i'm starting to have chills and snot and i just feel like sleeping all day. I'll be busy at work in the next few days and this place i'm staying at right now doesn't care that they don't open the door for me when i get off work so i spend the rest of my night outside in the pouring rain or in an internet cafe or in a 24 hour diner. i hate it.
I found an old picture of Nikkolaison and I, that picture doesn't lie does it? no i don't think so.

right now

i went out with a new set of friends today. We went drinking and karaoke and it was horrible. not that i don't like them it's just that i miss yan. it's just that it's so different living my life without , i don't know, his attention maybe. I know I was the one who said good bye but still,..ah, I'm a little drunk right now. I finished about half a liter of beer and i'm tired and i was being hit on.

last night

Last night afterI prepared my things for today's busy schedule, I was thinking about missing my friends. Then when I drifted off to sleep I dremat about Ian. Of all people. The dream was thick and unlikable. You see in my dream, Ian chose to be with me. To stay with me. HIs face is clear as if it was just yesterday when we last see each other. Then this morning I met someone who knew of him. How tragic is that? How can things that I'm trying so hard to forget surface so easily?
-----
I have this birthmark on my right elbow. You can see it clearlyas I foldmyarms and it's placed firmly like a map,which is what birthmarks usually are. I also have another physical identification on my forehead, a scar I had when I hitmy head on a hard pavement whne I was 5 or 7 years old. I'm telling you about this because as I ruminate whatever happened to me ion the past I always have something in me to remindme of it. It's like a map legend or pages in a book permanently stuck on me. I guess it's also one way of telling me how I've been living my life and how much I like it so far.
Yes. I reallydo despite the rough edges.

so it is...

A couple of weeks ago as I sashayed my way to the supermarket in a local shopping mall a boy barely 12 came up to me and squeezed my butt. I was too surprised to scold him and all I did was walk a little faster. What is it with kids these days? Can't they keep their hands to themselves anymore?

I miss having coffee at Starbucks. usually when you say Starbucks, people would immediately snicker, well I don't go there to parade my little wallet buying an expensive concoction, I go there because I'm meeting friends and we talk and talk for hours. It doesn't matter if my mocha frap or latte with two sugar packets starts to drip on my pants. I mainly miss the chats especially the ones I chat with. You barely find a person you can talk to with sense and sensibility (yeah, yeah, I know, Jane Austen). I also miss the Batista's and their ready smiles and the gleaming steel machines behind the counter.

By the way, this is totally out of my main topic, people here in Davao I just noticed are extremely inconsiderate. A number of times already, every time I ride a Jeep to wherever I'm going people closest to the driver wouldn't even blink when you politely ask for them to pass the fare to the driver. I was so annoyed the other day and thought, wow, so this is what they advertise as Most Livable City huh? It was better in Manila, even if the smiles are automatic and fake or the gesture is nothing but a habit, at least they bother to smile and lend a hand. Ugh, I can't wait to get out of here.

So, going back to my second main topic. I really really hope Starbucks would decided to open a store here. I so miss my Caramel Macchiatto, the soft thick brown napkin, the green and white stirrer, the coffee tables...

magiging masaya din ako

I'd also be happy. Yes. Just when I reached twenty six I started to finally move my ass off and live the life I want. Like a gypsy. I want to travle here and abroad. I want to walk on cold cobblestones. I want to confuse myself with language I barely know while shopping or buying coffee. I want to hitchhike and talk to truck drivers about which's the best town who serves the best dinner. I want to have a lover in each place I visit. I want to be free and die blissfully.
Most importantly I want to see someone very important.
---
I bought a bag of blue cotton candy yesterday. It was a cloud of heaven. One quick bite and I was drowned in an unexpected smile. Although after an hour of not touching it the cloudy puffy sugar turned into hard candy. I still devoured it and the saccharine sandy sweet flowed down my throat. Ah, how child like that was.

shortcomings and frailocracy

my first manga:

Balut. Delicious. I'm inlove with it. Ah, the charm of noypi delicacy.

It's almost funny. Last night I found an old notepad with scribbles and notes in college. In the aforementioned notepad I found a page solely dedicated to Yan. See, it's almost funny It obssession after all. Or maybe I was just a giggling teenager. I was 17. Why is it that every time I open my headboard I seem to find a lot of things that reminds me of the past, it's like a trail of breadcrumbs leading to yesterday.
Speaking of yesterday I once again encountered my mother's inner bitch. Seriously, she should at least spend time to think before telling me anything. Can't she even try to be a mother for once? I don't care if she says it's her right to put me down anytime she wants. I don't even care if I cause her pain and suffering. Really. I don't. I could be as evil as that. Don't ask why.
Going back my early post, I also found unsent messages in my documents folder dating way back, about 5 years ago. They we're either for Ian or Yan. Ah, the sugar coated hopes of my younger years. I do have a lot of innocent explanations handy but then again it's worthless if neither of the two is reading this. Truth hurts that it's almost brutal.
AFTER DARK. After Dark is a resto-bar few minutes away from SM Davao. What does it mean when you say after dark? Is it the moment when darkness envelops the sky or is it when dawn slowly breaks in? What have become of my posts. They're so inane.
-------
What is Frailocracy? According to LA REVOLUCIÓN FILIPINA IN THE AGE OF EMPIRE frailocracy is an alternative termto theocratic. I remember it has something to do with friars influencing almost everything during a period in the past here in the Philippines. I asked what this wordmeans because I found an old journal entry asking what it is. It's also written as friarocracy.

can things get any better?

I was almost glad when I received a call for an interview today. I was easily accepted. It turned out to be a joke. A joke because the guy who interviewed me wasn't even articulate AND he claimed to an HR officer who screens candidates. I looked desperately for ways to extricate myself from such situations. So after I was dismissed I decided to ditch the upcoming orientation and training. I won't regret doing that because in my mind I know I'd regret it even more if I took the job. It might be called being a snob in a time where jobs don't come easily but then again in the long run I would just be back to the limbo that I managed to get out of.
Yesterday when I went to Social Security System's office to get an ID I got to be entertained by a really pissed off employee. She was ranting and cursing as I sat there having my picture taken. She then commented that my signature won't work because the handwriting was broken or something. I said, "I'm sorry from. i'm suffereing from a medical condition that's why, I'll just do it again." She then gave that look where she was slammed with her won sourness. That was a really mean thing to do but as I walked out of the office I said she deserved it.
I got an e-mail from Nikko today replying to my cries of broken heart and self flaggelation. he is such a sweetheart. Although we are not close as bestfriends could be but I know he is a real friend and I am glad about that. He told me to fix mylife before thinking of anything personal. Ah, he was right on the money. As always.

Please. Please. Let me be happy.

doushite?!

now that i'm 26, I suppose I need to do something...oh, well, there's really nothing to say...or do...

the night before tomorrow

Five things to do before I turn 32:

5. Visit my friends abroad.
-London, England. San Francisco. Kyoto. San Diego.
4. Publish my book.
3. Learn how to swim.
2. Starve to death.
1. Run faster and faster.
-------
Now, where is that boy?


***here's some additional drawings

I'll be a year older tomorrow. I don't know how to explain it but for the first time I am actually excited. I am not much of a birthday person, I guess it's because I hate celebrating anything. So, as I usually do I purchased some presents for myself. I met this engineer who was an artist and he heldped me out with picking my first fundamentals in drawing book. I have been drawing my entire life and this year I decided to take it in the next level. This is the year when I'll finally do what I've always wanted to do. It caouldn't get any better, well except what happened yesterday. Some slobbering idiot took my brown rubber slippers. As I expected they just shook their stupid heads in refusal as I asked around what happened. How can a pair of used slippers get lost like that? I didn't even touch it. It was just sitting there minding it's own freaking business. Geez...I hate it when people touch anything they don't own. Ugh. So since yesterday I decided not to take an effort being nice to them. What the hell for? What I'm going to do is move out as soon as I find a replacement. Any place where people are considerate and normal.
Going back to my birthday...What am I going to do? Let's see. i went to church already. i've said my yearly prayers and thanks. There really isn't much to do, maybe I'll go to sleep? I still have a few errands to run tomorrow morning after that I can either go home or do something else. Maybe I'll go home and keep working on my little project.