Of Bread and Wine

( that's my version of my anime self)

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Warning: Bread and Wine is never mentioned in this passage.

her curly hair that stubbornly covered he face
her long limbs that coiled into my dreams
her warm neck and breast against my back
her pulse I couldn't tell from mine - Jackie (June Kim, 12 Days)

Naisip kong gamitin ang sarili kong wika para na din sa sarili kong kapakanan.

Nitong nakaraang mga linggo naisip kong napakatagal na pala naming magkakilala. Hindi ko na nga alam kung kailan ang eksaktong petsa. Basta ang naalala ko labinwalong taong gulang na ako noon. eh bente ocho na ako ngayon kaya humigit kumulang sampung taon na.
Ngayong taon nga lang kami muli nakagkwentuhan matapos ang halos dalaang taong walang kibuan. Nitong Agosto nagpasya siyang bumalik sa lungsod kung saan siya isinilang at lumaki. Biglaan ang paglitaw niya. Kagaya ng dati palagian na naman ang pangangamusta ant pagpapahayag niya ng mga pangyayari sa buhay niya. Pero bago ang lahat ng ito may nangyari. Apat na buwan mahigit ang nakakaraan ng nasabi ko sa kanyang mahal ko siya. Apat na buwan mahigit ang nakakaraan ng nasabi niya sa aking ikakasal na siya. Tinamaan ng lintik. Npalunok ako sa pagkabigla.
Napag usapan na namin 'to dati, matagal na, 2005 pa. Ako ang nagbanggit. Inihayag kong katangan kung magkakaroon kami ng romantikong ugnayan. Marami siyang sinabi mga pahayag, mga saloobin. Hindi ko pinakinggan kung ano man ang maga iyon. Basta dapat magkaibigan lang kami at hindi na dapat kumplikahin.
Ang totoo magkasundong magkasundo kami. Sinasabi niya na masya siya kapag nagbabahagi ako ng mga bagay bagay. Parang may matibay kaming koneksiyon. Mahalaga ang ugnayan naming iyon pero mas pinahahalagahan ko ang realidad. Siyempre sa mga sulat lang kami nagsasama ibang iba yon sa tunay na buhay di ba?
Gusto kong linawin na nitong mga nakaraang buwan lng ako nakaramdam ng di maipaliwanag na pagkasira ng katinuan. Nabaliw nga lang ba ako dahil sa kalungkutan at dahil sa kasalukuyan akong nakatira sa di pamilyar na lugar? Teka, eh sa kanya anong nangyari? Sa Amerika lng naman siya lumipat at hinid sa ibang planeta pero bakit siya nawala ng matagal? Ngayon ko lng napagtanto na hindi buo sa loob ko nung inilahad kong mahal ko siya. Pero nasaktan ako ng husto, hinid dahil tinanggihan niya ako kundi sa paglilihim niya sa akin ng sitwasyon niya. Sabi nga ni Nikko, "loko yon ah!". Paano ko nga ba narating ang ideyan yon? Bakit nagkasya na ako sa isang dosenang dilaw na rosas, pink na teddy bear, pagsaklolo niya pag may problema ako at mga liham?
Sa ngayon hinahayaan ko na lamang na makipag usap siya na parang walang nagyari.
Okay lang yon.


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glad to be back

i must apologize to this page for ignoring her for months.
a few weeks back, i just suddenly felt i needed to check my email and blog, to my surprise an unexpected email arrived in my inbox.
i was startled, not surprised, but glad at the same time.
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I'm praying for all the ondoy victims.
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I'll talk in pages later.

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the truth is lately I've been indifferent and uncaring with what I used to be. I'm still a free spirit but this time something changed. I wonder what i gained in the short slow motion trance I went through. After the accident I made a choice between choosing and wanting to live and allowing and accepting I could die. I learned not to hear words I don't like. I've learned to recreate myself, like an upgrade. All this time I blamed someone else for whatever my life turned out to be but in reality it all my doing.
There are people who always hated my guts, my opinions and such I learned to discard them as soon as I hear about it. After all they're just another person, so what if they're realted by blood as long as it's not me then, it's just another person.
When Yan said hi, with or without malice, I realized just now as I was grocery shopping that i was a bit irritated. He doesn't have delicacy huh? I admit that the love I felt for him was created solely in my mind. In my ideals. Since he was not around I don't have to deal with a daily company. I never really had a relationship before, whether anyone believes it or not. Yan was like a better version of Ian. In my mind the idea made me happy but it also made me sad.

Same goes with people asking me why I'm not married yet. They don't understand and they're not interested with the reason why so I just brush it off. If anyone listened they'd realize that I haven't had that thing that is older than humanity, one true love. I always say these matter of factly just as the only way to make me realize this issue is a very strong force of nature.

flame haze

As I walked the semi dark street called Roxas in Davao City at 3am my mind kept on switching from left to right. left being bailing my last three days and detouring somewhere better. right would be me finishing the mess i started. i chose the latter. I asked what would happen if i decided to stop going to work and i was told you'll never be able to get back and if I just finish my last three days then they'd consider me for another opening that would eventually come up later. Right, the reason why I wanted to leave in the first place is because I don't want to be there any longer. I told myself I don't want this kind of job after doing it for so long and I am standing up to what I originally wanted. I burned my bridges all right, I torched it using a big black matchstick and I do not feel any regret at all. I was told I shouldn't act up and I say I am not I was given a choice and this is the choice I picked. It took me 32 hours to think about it through and through. This is what I came up with. I am willing, very much so, to affront whatever consequences it will deliver me. That's just how I am. If I don't do this now I'll never get that audacity to move on.
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I will be disappointing my parents. This time it is all my fault. My parents they never really fully trusted me. They never really whole heartedly accepted the person that I am. I didn't care as long I don't commit anything that would embarrass me to an extent that I can't even look into my own shadow. Well what I did isn't the type that would grant me free passage to jail or a fast track to hell but just the same it is really bad. I know I disappointed them the moment I put my plan in action and now is the time to face them and tell them what I did. I don't know what will happen. But I'm sure it's going to be ugly.

ask me to stay

There's is a specific person that I've always wanted to say those four words and eleven letters. I know that I am very good at leaving people behind or to put it nicely moving on. I am not the kind of person who can manage to stay in one place and be happy with it. I want to keep my feet and body in a constant motion or else I will go crazy. I don't even know what it is about packing and unpacking that I crave for so much how stressful it might be. I don't know why I love it when I am standing on the street with my luggage in tow waving for a cab to take me to the airport and even losing a shoe or two because it slipped out of my extra bag. I don't know what it is about airports, its insufferable security, its tasteless food that I keep on wanting. All I can tell is that I love the idea of living in a new house, living with house mates, walking along unfamiliar streets and watching how people live in that community. The reason why I am giving this little speech is that there are people who are asking me to stay in the company. It is certainly insidious, very much so. I can, if arrangements are made and done, stay but for an entirely different reason. I'm staying because I want to spend more time (yelping and grinning and sometimes dissatisfaction involved) with this one guy (friend or co-employee or whatever). As I subtly mentioned in my previous posts it's starting to be an obsession already. Which is funny.
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I'll be seeing Jane and the rest of the gang in a few days. Nikkolaison and Carl already knows and I am really hoping I'd spend some time with them. Nikkolaison promised me we will but Carl seems to have other plans. I feel annoyed about it. I even felt I am not someone likable. So I asked Nikkolaison, he said and i quote, "you're pretty, intelligent, kind, nice and rich that's why I love you." and I thought he is being a jerk again. Geez, what a sorry excuse I have for a friend. Anyways, I don't think I want to stay, even if he will be the one who will ask me to.

(I'm sorry about the picture BUT it's the perfect description so...)

soon as i get you off my mind

Die just a little
Cry some more
Trying to remember how it was before
Let me die just a little
I'll be fine
Soon as I can get you off my mind
Die Just A Little..this is Side A's latest single. Everybody knows that this band is a music genius so I'd proceed telling you why I'm under their spell again. It's a sad case really all I am into is to be under some cheesy (but untterly amzing) song's spell. I was browsing through yesterday's paper yesterday and I read a column talkting about people who've been living alone for a long time BUT finding someone they could be with even if they're already at their 90's. I also came upon the line where it states that there are also those show never find one at all. Why am I even talking about this? Geez, I could be so pathetic at times.
15 more days and I am saying goodbye to [insert office's name here]. I'll slip a funny thought here, there are times when I get out of the office that I'd have this stirring in my heart that tells me to stay BUT everytime I get up and get ready for work I have this stirring in my stomach that says, "Here you go again." I haven't told my mum that I already resigned I'm sure she won't nag because she knows its useless and she knows that I can take care of myself so that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried that looking for a job I really want is going to be a lot more difficult than I imagined.
Also I am gong back to school, I'm torn between Culinary Arts and Information Technology. Okay, maybe I am not torn between those two. I am just making sure I have another option just incase someone or something decided to throw me out the door going to my dream. Seriously I won't let that happen. I don't care how many things I have to give up I will get that dream.
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Have a Happy Valentines to you all.

the opposite of exaltation

I would like to reserve this space as a THANK YOU space for a friend whom I call Jane.
You have no idea how happy I was when I received your email.
It made me jump, giggle, wiggle and almost cry. I even reached the point where I wanted to hug everyone I see in my peripheral vision but I held back because I know I will look like an idiot.
Not that I cared what they will think but then at that time I decided to keep the bliss to myself.
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I am such a sucker for unnecessary attention. A few days back I was tied in a bind that was too complicated to untie by myself that I had to ask for help. The person who helped me was someone I was trying to avoid at all cost but well, there are things that you really have to willingly surrender to...so going back, that person whom I'll provide a codename Risotto attempted to help out even without being asked. Hah! Result? I was told that I shouldn't commit that mistake again and I end up saying, "Fine, I'll never talk to you again." But that few exchange of words worked as a Ferrari to get me out of my paranoia. Hours later there was a blinding light in my eyes that looked like I was thinking about him that way and that I am humiliated to admit that I am thinking about him. Which is extremely irritating because when I command myself to stop the only thing it does is make a quick detour taking it's sweet time to veer off path and then go back to where I didn't want it to go. Sometimes my brain acts as if its an entirely different object and it takes pleasure watching me in pain as it picks a moment to be perceptive. My mind used to be so obedient. What on earth happened?
Shred would find this funny to the point of being inane.
In the mean time I will do everything I can to demystify the situation even if I don't why I should.
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Yesterday was a bad day. The day before that was exaltation. This isn't the first time it happened. I don't know if it's because I was sitting right next to a jerk or because I didn't see Tristan or because I didn't have my usual can of coke.
Speaking of which, Alex, a lovely lady who works a couple of floors down said that I really am "something else" just take a look at the title of my blog and my name combined, coke+cane=cokecane. Ah, I have a new nickname. I told Marj about it then I remembered the story Calamity Jane then I said, wait a minute, what about Calamity Cane? Tsk tsk, I am such a mess. A very crazy mess.
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**second try using oil pastel**


**nisce and i at apoviewhotel**


**i still don't likedurina BUT i wasglad to have finished this one for nisce, really I am**

happy third birthday blog!!!

Would you look at that, it's been three long years since I started this blog. This year seems to be a lot better than last year. I did a lot of things:

I resigned from IHG

moved back to my parents house

stayed AWOL for a year

got a another job

moved out of my parent's house

and is planning to get moving again AND

I'm still single *sigh*

My main aim seems to be "keep moving forward", I know, you've heard it from a movie before (that statement I mean) but it sure is an accurate description. I just couldn't be stopped moving forward.

Last night I slept late and woke up early again, this time however I had a lot in my mind that I don't usually think about. You know, people and places I don't really care about that would always snake its way in my brain...Hell, it gave me a headache thinking about it. Even so today turned out to be a happy day (minus the fact that it's my blog's birthday...weee...celebration) I had a smooth sailing 9 hour shift. A lot of unexpected things happened and for some reason I was enjoying the look on people's faces as I surprise them with my abruptness and silly ideas. When was I not silly anyways? Not that I care, I am just living my sweet sweet life.

Speaking of sweet, I finished 2 packs of marshmallows a few hours ago! 2, yes, 2 packs. I loved it! What I did was top it off my usual coffee and savor the aroma and taste. Ah, heavenly was the way to explain how the frothy colorful mixture touched my lips and travelled down my throat, licking my lips never felt this satisfying before. The best way to finish my day.

I'd probably finish the books I have lined up this week end. Yes, I really should. It's been sitting in my bed for weeks now and I keep on complaining that I've no time to read when in fact I do and I just make excuses not to finish and it's a really stupid set up. Surprisingly, even if my days are vapid, I'm kind of just letting it slide.

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I received Yan's email a few hours back. I also received this really weird email form someone I barely knew. I seem to be receiving emails form people I am not expecting to receive emails from. I am really pissed off that NIkkolaison seemed to have forgotten that I exist and I am also pissed off that my plans with Jane cannot move on because of that freaking airline. That airline that will remain anonymous in this blog must really really do something about this really weird way of business they are doing. Geez... I suddenly want to drink a hot cup of Earl Grey and maybe a plate of cold pasta as well. I'll stop thinking for now, my mood is starting to change, faster than Flash Gordon.

I'll be back later to add my latest artworks.

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I will be spending the next 30 days thinking about my next move. I found a shirt (Bench or Penshoppe) that compliments me exactly. The shirt said something like, "One coke a day keeps trouble away.." or something to that effect, my reaction after getting a glimpse of that shirt was so hilarious. Come to think of it they might've have gotten the idea from me...hehehe, just kidding.

I noticed lately that I haven't been as perpetually pissed off as I was before. Although I still get annoyed as fast as lightning I also calm down faster than usual. I noticed though that I've been too busy to visit my parents back home. Remember I mentioned that one of the reasons why I moved here in Davao is to be near them? It feels as if this decision isn't doing anything at all. Or maybe I have a different reason why I agreed to live here, or maybe God Himself has another reason why He allowed me to move here. i so want to know why.

Moving on what can you say about this....I know this girl who wouldn't stop thinking about finding a solution to a problem assigned to her even if it will consume her energy, time and space? I also know this girl who would rather keep on working than eat her lunch? Let me guess, you want to know if I'm actually talking about someone I know or if I'm just shying away from admittance that I'm talking about myself? Okay, I am talking about myself. Say, I'm dedicated maybe? Or I'm just doing what I promised I would? I'm not sure why but I just got used to following rules even if said rules are almost choking me to death...and oh, why do

I seem to be lifting my own chair here? You see there's nothing else to lift except of course your eyebrows...

I have another question...Is my favorite color green? I really thought it was white...but after Alex mentioned that it is green I started rummaging my closet thru my brain and realized yes, most of my clothes are in the green family.

I'll get serious this time....

Where will my perky, sweet, moody, weird, eccentric, crazy, borderline wild, bitchy,corny, loud, silent, secretive, talkative and annoying self take me? Will it take me somewhere in the outskirts of Europe where I'll probably find the best pasta dishes and red wine? Will it take me to Australia where I might actually start learning how to swim? Will it take me to the United States even if I don't want to? Will it take me to Singapore where my "strict compliance" attitude will be tested in a daily basis? Or will it take me where everything started? If its the latter the only question I'd need to answer will be, where did everything start?

Ahhh, I guess I need to answer this question 12 months later.