flame haze

As I walked the semi dark street called Roxas in Davao City at 3am my mind kept on switching from left to right. left being bailing my last three days and detouring somewhere better. right would be me finishing the mess i started. i chose the latter. I asked what would happen if i decided to stop going to work and i was told you'll never be able to get back and if I just finish my last three days then they'd consider me for another opening that would eventually come up later. Right, the reason why I wanted to leave in the first place is because I don't want to be there any longer. I told myself I don't want this kind of job after doing it for so long and I am standing up to what I originally wanted. I burned my bridges all right, I torched it using a big black matchstick and I do not feel any regret at all. I was told I shouldn't act up and I say I am not I was given a choice and this is the choice I picked. It took me 32 hours to think about it through and through. This is what I came up with. I am willing, very much so, to affront whatever consequences it will deliver me. That's just how I am. If I don't do this now I'll never get that audacity to move on.
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I will be disappointing my parents. This time it is all my fault. My parents they never really fully trusted me. They never really whole heartedly accepted the person that I am. I didn't care as long I don't commit anything that would embarrass me to an extent that I can't even look into my own shadow. Well what I did isn't the type that would grant me free passage to jail or a fast track to hell but just the same it is really bad. I know I disappointed them the moment I put my plan in action and now is the time to face them and tell them what I did. I don't know what will happen. But I'm sure it's going to be ugly.

ask me to stay

There's is a specific person that I've always wanted to say those four words and eleven letters. I know that I am very good at leaving people behind or to put it nicely moving on. I am not the kind of person who can manage to stay in one place and be happy with it. I want to keep my feet and body in a constant motion or else I will go crazy. I don't even know what it is about packing and unpacking that I crave for so much how stressful it might be. I don't know why I love it when I am standing on the street with my luggage in tow waving for a cab to take me to the airport and even losing a shoe or two because it slipped out of my extra bag. I don't know what it is about airports, its insufferable security, its tasteless food that I keep on wanting. All I can tell is that I love the idea of living in a new house, living with house mates, walking along unfamiliar streets and watching how people live in that community. The reason why I am giving this little speech is that there are people who are asking me to stay in the company. It is certainly insidious, very much so. I can, if arrangements are made and done, stay but for an entirely different reason. I'm staying because I want to spend more time (yelping and grinning and sometimes dissatisfaction involved) with this one guy (friend or co-employee or whatever). As I subtly mentioned in my previous posts it's starting to be an obsession already. Which is funny.
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I'll be seeing Jane and the rest of the gang in a few days. Nikkolaison and Carl already knows and I am really hoping I'd spend some time with them. Nikkolaison promised me we will but Carl seems to have other plans. I feel annoyed about it. I even felt I am not someone likable. So I asked Nikkolaison, he said and i quote, "you're pretty, intelligent, kind, nice and rich that's why I love you." and I thought he is being a jerk again. Geez, what a sorry excuse I have for a friend. Anyways, I don't think I want to stay, even if he will be the one who will ask me to.

(I'm sorry about the picture BUT it's the perfect description so...)

soon as i get you off my mind

Die just a little
Cry some more
Trying to remember how it was before
Let me die just a little
I'll be fine
Soon as I can get you off my mind
Die Just A Little..this is Side A's latest single. Everybody knows that this band is a music genius so I'd proceed telling you why I'm under their spell again. It's a sad case really all I am into is to be under some cheesy (but untterly amzing) song's spell. I was browsing through yesterday's paper yesterday and I read a column talkting about people who've been living alone for a long time BUT finding someone they could be with even if they're already at their 90's. I also came upon the line where it states that there are also those show never find one at all. Why am I even talking about this? Geez, I could be so pathetic at times.
15 more days and I am saying goodbye to [insert office's name here]. I'll slip a funny thought here, there are times when I get out of the office that I'd have this stirring in my heart that tells me to stay BUT everytime I get up and get ready for work I have this stirring in my stomach that says, "Here you go again." I haven't told my mum that I already resigned I'm sure she won't nag because she knows its useless and she knows that I can take care of myself so that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried that looking for a job I really want is going to be a lot more difficult than I imagined.
Also I am gong back to school, I'm torn between Culinary Arts and Information Technology. Okay, maybe I am not torn between those two. I am just making sure I have another option just incase someone or something decided to throw me out the door going to my dream. Seriously I won't let that happen. I don't care how many things I have to give up I will get that dream.
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Have a Happy Valentines to you all.

the opposite of exaltation

I would like to reserve this space as a THANK YOU space for a friend whom I call Jane.
You have no idea how happy I was when I received your email.
It made me jump, giggle, wiggle and almost cry. I even reached the point where I wanted to hug everyone I see in my peripheral vision but I held back because I know I will look like an idiot.
Not that I cared what they will think but then at that time I decided to keep the bliss to myself.
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I am such a sucker for unnecessary attention. A few days back I was tied in a bind that was too complicated to untie by myself that I had to ask for help. The person who helped me was someone I was trying to avoid at all cost but well, there are things that you really have to willingly surrender to...so going back, that person whom I'll provide a codename Risotto attempted to help out even without being asked. Hah! Result? I was told that I shouldn't commit that mistake again and I end up saying, "Fine, I'll never talk to you again." But that few exchange of words worked as a Ferrari to get me out of my paranoia. Hours later there was a blinding light in my eyes that looked like I was thinking about him that way and that I am humiliated to admit that I am thinking about him. Which is extremely irritating because when I command myself to stop the only thing it does is make a quick detour taking it's sweet time to veer off path and then go back to where I didn't want it to go. Sometimes my brain acts as if its an entirely different object and it takes pleasure watching me in pain as it picks a moment to be perceptive. My mind used to be so obedient. What on earth happened?
Shred would find this funny to the point of being inane.
In the mean time I will do everything I can to demystify the situation even if I don't why I should.
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Yesterday was a bad day. The day before that was exaltation. This isn't the first time it happened. I don't know if it's because I was sitting right next to a jerk or because I didn't see Tristan or because I didn't have my usual can of coke.
Speaking of which, Alex, a lovely lady who works a couple of floors down said that I really am "something else" just take a look at the title of my blog and my name combined, coke+cane=cokecane. Ah, I have a new nickname. I told Marj about it then I remembered the story Calamity Jane then I said, wait a minute, what about Calamity Cane? Tsk tsk, I am such a mess. A very crazy mess.
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**second try using oil pastel**


**nisce and i at apoviewhotel**


**i still don't likedurina BUT i wasglad to have finished this one for nisce, really I am**

happy third birthday blog!!!

Would you look at that, it's been three long years since I started this blog. This year seems to be a lot better than last year. I did a lot of things:

I resigned from IHG

moved back to my parents house

stayed AWOL for a year

got a another job

moved out of my parent's house

and is planning to get moving again AND

I'm still single *sigh*

My main aim seems to be "keep moving forward", I know, you've heard it from a movie before (that statement I mean) but it sure is an accurate description. I just couldn't be stopped moving forward.

Last night I slept late and woke up early again, this time however I had a lot in my mind that I don't usually think about. You know, people and places I don't really care about that would always snake its way in my brain...Hell, it gave me a headache thinking about it. Even so today turned out to be a happy day (minus the fact that it's my blog's birthday...weee...celebration) I had a smooth sailing 9 hour shift. A lot of unexpected things happened and for some reason I was enjoying the look on people's faces as I surprise them with my abruptness and silly ideas. When was I not silly anyways? Not that I care, I am just living my sweet sweet life.

Speaking of sweet, I finished 2 packs of marshmallows a few hours ago! 2, yes, 2 packs. I loved it! What I did was top it off my usual coffee and savor the aroma and taste. Ah, heavenly was the way to explain how the frothy colorful mixture touched my lips and travelled down my throat, licking my lips never felt this satisfying before. The best way to finish my day.

I'd probably finish the books I have lined up this week end. Yes, I really should. It's been sitting in my bed for weeks now and I keep on complaining that I've no time to read when in fact I do and I just make excuses not to finish and it's a really stupid set up. Surprisingly, even if my days are vapid, I'm kind of just letting it slide.

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I received Yan's email a few hours back. I also received this really weird email form someone I barely knew. I seem to be receiving emails form people I am not expecting to receive emails from. I am really pissed off that NIkkolaison seemed to have forgotten that I exist and I am also pissed off that my plans with Jane cannot move on because of that freaking airline. That airline that will remain anonymous in this blog must really really do something about this really weird way of business they are doing. Geez... I suddenly want to drink a hot cup of Earl Grey and maybe a plate of cold pasta as well. I'll stop thinking for now, my mood is starting to change, faster than Flash Gordon.

I'll be back later to add my latest artworks.

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I will be spending the next 30 days thinking about my next move. I found a shirt (Bench or Penshoppe) that compliments me exactly. The shirt said something like, "One coke a day keeps trouble away.." or something to that effect, my reaction after getting a glimpse of that shirt was so hilarious. Come to think of it they might've have gotten the idea from me...hehehe, just kidding.

I noticed lately that I haven't been as perpetually pissed off as I was before. Although I still get annoyed as fast as lightning I also calm down faster than usual. I noticed though that I've been too busy to visit my parents back home. Remember I mentioned that one of the reasons why I moved here in Davao is to be near them? It feels as if this decision isn't doing anything at all. Or maybe I have a different reason why I agreed to live here, or maybe God Himself has another reason why He allowed me to move here. i so want to know why.

Moving on what can you say about this....I know this girl who wouldn't stop thinking about finding a solution to a problem assigned to her even if it will consume her energy, time and space? I also know this girl who would rather keep on working than eat her lunch? Let me guess, you want to know if I'm actually talking about someone I know or if I'm just shying away from admittance that I'm talking about myself? Okay, I am talking about myself. Say, I'm dedicated maybe? Or I'm just doing what I promised I would? I'm not sure why but I just got used to following rules even if said rules are almost choking me to death...and oh, why do

I seem to be lifting my own chair here? You see there's nothing else to lift except of course your eyebrows...

I have another question...Is my favorite color green? I really thought it was white...but after Alex mentioned that it is green I started rummaging my closet thru my brain and realized yes, most of my clothes are in the green family.

I'll get serious this time....

Where will my perky, sweet, moody, weird, eccentric, crazy, borderline wild, bitchy,corny, loud, silent, secretive, talkative and annoying self take me? Will it take me somewhere in the outskirts of Europe where I'll probably find the best pasta dishes and red wine? Will it take me to Australia where I might actually start learning how to swim? Will it take me to the United States even if I don't want to? Will it take me to Singapore where my "strict compliance" attitude will be tested in a daily basis? Or will it take me where everything started? If its the latter the only question I'd need to answer will be, where did everything start?

Ahhh, I guess I need to answer this question 12 months later.

a list of priorities and then some

It was one of those days when I'm really tired that even a cup of steaming, delicious and spicy bowl of soup cannot wake me up. I suppose it's because I've been filled with unending and seemingly useless trivialities of life. I had a chance to make a short visit with an old friend yesterday and I realized in her eyes I'm the type who does whatever I like, have I thought of it or not. Simply true. well, maybe not entirely. It's surprising that I haven't found a "Jane" here in Davao. I know there's only one Jane in the entire universe but I'm looking for at least one that's almost like her. I'd settle for an "almost like her." You know someone who uses her brain to think before talking and someone who actually knows what she's talking about and someone who genuinely cares. You might've have noticed that I haven't written anything interesting or at least something you'd spend a minute or two reading. I'll give you an excuse, I haven't done anything news worthy. I'm still doing the same old stuff I did back in Manila only this time there's no Starbucks, Wendy's or Subway. I still live alone. I still go shopping alone. I still don't know who to say no to pleas and favors. I still get easily pissed off at inane conversations. I still make my own fashion statement. I still go to work on foot. I still walk home alone. I still love rain walks. I still haven't found the most delicious bowl of ramen. No, I'm not complaining I'm just bored. this boredom is going borderline crazy.

Last night I went to the mall to buy dinner. I can feel the wind whirling all around and I felt that it's going to rain but I still opted to make my way to SM. Then it rained, heavenly. I've always loved rain and then that night it made me notice how children are like. I don't like hanging out with kids but watching them is something else. I saw someone around the age of 8 who used his flimsy white shirt to cover his head from the angry rain. It didn't do squat. I saw two little girls with their arms outstretched from their bedroom window. I saw a big brother who was protecting his very young sister from the rain and wind. Then I thought, this is very tiring and it's making me sleepy. So i moved on to my next task. How do I reach SM's without getting soaked all throughout. After a minute of personal battle I was able to finish the task without risking broken bones and getting a flu. Hmm, come to think about it, it might have something to do with my bad mood today. Oh before I forget, don't you just hate it when salespeople just wouldn't quit upselling even if you've already said NO a million times? Like even if your face shows how annoyed and uninterested you are they'd still push and push until you either 1.) give in or 2.) scream bloody hell? I've done both, sometimes at the same time, sometimes one at a time. Weird thing is last night I didn't do anything all I did was look at the counter person in the eye and give her a look with a flash of annoyance. Boy, did she move on. So I waved my cash under her nose and said, "Listen, I'm hungry and soaked wet. Please let me have my meal." She quickly rang the register, prepared my meal and pushed the tray towards me. I didn't finish my meal. I felt like throwing up after looking at how disgustingly oily fried chicken is. I ended up buying a meter of purple ribbon and a friendship bracelet. It's for my shirt I'm customizing it yet again. I was told that I looked like a gift and that geeks aren't evil. I didn't give any biting remarks or to be exact I didn't give any remarks at all. yeah, that's how stupid this day is.
Why is it that I have bad mood today? Is it because I'm in the freakin' priority for calls list or because my crush didn't say hi or goodbye before leaving? Or is it because I woke up in the wrong side of the bed? Geez, why am I figuring out why I'm having a bad day. It's not that it's very unusual. And I wonder why I'm wasting my time worrying about this?
I want to talk to Yan. I know I'm pouring salt to an open wound wishing that but still...
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I was received an unexpected gift a few days back. Guess what, it's a book. A book that I actually want to read. I was so happy when I got it. Really.
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This weekend I'm planning on roaming around Davao to look for a good place to eat. I want something different. No more pasta pizza shit. I don't want to go back to that freakin' fake Turkish restaurant though, very disappointing. I guess I should stop typing. My back hurts. My head hurts.
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A few minutes later.
I was just thinking why is it that every time I want to leave people would ask me to stay but when I'm gone nobody cares or lifts a finger about it? I'd love to waste my time in something completely foreign to me tomorrow. Something where it will require me to think and act without getting pissed off. I want to do something that will make me smile later.
Another question, why is it that in Davao they pride themselves as being one of the livable (read: pinapatay ang mga gago) cities and yet it's impossible to walk from home to work without me having to witness kids, drunk kids, playing tennis using bottles of beer as the ball and their bodies as the racket? And may I add, running into a drunk shirtless guy who would actually try to stick his face in my own darned business? A follow up question, why on earth am I complaining? I know why, it's because I hate being messed with. I hate it when people bother me. I hate it when things doesn't go my way. Yes, it's my way or the highway. Yes, that's how bossy I am. Yes, I admit how bitchy I could get.

what the f***?!

I do not know where to start. here I am again in the position where I'm not really lost but I really don't know where I am. I'm really pissed off about all the things that is surrounding me and I just hate hate it. I feel like crying as well AND I also feel like KILLING someone. Nope, I wasn't abused today. I just feel as if my efforts at living a good lifestyle and working really good at being a nice human being is being balled up into a big crumpled brown paper bag and being tossed into a smelly disgusting trash can. A friend of mine once mentioned that my blog is the only one she reads because I'm not the usual ranting and raving kind. Today I beg to be different. I am the kind of person who cares about things even if I say I don't. That's just how I am. I'd care even if you keep on scandalizing or harassing me. I'd care even if you were never nice to me (or to any one) as soon as you'd ask for help or whatever. I'm tired of this pathetic charade of shambolic way of being. I am very mad at Ras for being a bitch to me numerous times even if I never did her wrong. I'm annoyed at people who would still backbite you even if you never did them wrong. I hate being treated like trash because I deserve better. I hate the fact that my brains and talent is NOT being utilized for something more rewarding than putting the problems created by others on my shoulders. I hate the fact that even if I am doing something about it I still don't see any change or good results at all. To be more precise I hate being taken for granted. I have feelings too even if I'm a forgiving, understanding and strong person. I also get hurt and it's just horrible because I have no one to lean on when I feel so down and beaten. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I don't. Is it so difficult for anyone in this city to act educated at least? Prior to settling here I heard a million stories about how amazing this place is and how amazing the people are and yet I haven't experienced a tad bit of that broadcast. I've given them second, third and fourth chance and still NOTHING. As I said I'm close to committing a very very bad mistake. It's so frustrating that it's almost bleeding to death.

By the way I am using the company's computer unit today because I don't feel like going to the usual place where COLLEGE students are so noisy that it's a wonder their voices couldn't reach Singapore. I'm also trying to stay away from those annoying kids who keep on asking money, food and the like. No, this has nothing to do with what Ala wrote in here blog(as of late). I've had the same issue and I wrote something about it in my previous entries. I do however agree with her.

Right now my mind is filled with so many if only's.

These if only's just as long as they happen I'd be really really happy.

I want to be happy.

I deserve to be happy, right? I mean I think I do.

About the entry before this. I take it back. I shouldn't have written that. I won't erase it but I am taking back everything I wrote there. Whatever that "idea" was I don't care anymore. Really. I don't. I'm sick and tired of caring. I'm sick and tired of carrying this fucking weight on my shoulders. I'm sick and tired of being a freaking push over. Seriously. I am.

You know what else I'm tired of? I'm tired of waiting for that fucking someone. I'm tired of wishing for a Shred, Nomiya, Danny or Jack in my life. I'm tired of figuring out why I'm attracted to a person who doesn't even know I exist (also, he is gay I think). I mean c'mon, what the hell is wrong with these people?! Or is it me? There's no way I'm taking the advice of those geniuses who thinks they more about life than everybody else. You know what they asked me to do? Here's a list: loosen up, enjoy life, don't say NO to anyone who asks you out, try not to be intimidating. The trouble with the "loosen up" is that I don't have a freakin' idea what it means...the trouble with "enjoy life" is that it's not working...the trouble with "don't say NO to anyone who asks you out" is that NOBODY asks, okay maybe there was but hell I can't bear to even spend a second with him. ...the trouble with "try not to be intimidating" is that there's no way I'm going to change the way I am. I'm no fake that's all.

Sigh. I am such a big mess.

For one day. Please let me be happy.