perpetual loneliness

How can I start living a new life when the people I hope to help me out is missing in action? I really shouldn't be dreaming. Just stop dreaming. I realized just then that I want to say good bye. Maybe if I did I might think of solid ideas to start this new project of mine. It isn't easy to let go you know. Even those who are no married for 10 years still have a little room in their heart for their first - love. What can I say, I am not even supposed to say a thing. I don't have a license to. I would be first deny if I'd be asked about a "relationship". I never had a relationship with Ian. But he endured in my heart along with my emotional turmoil and all those other things. I watched will Smith's latest film The Pursuit of Happyness last week and I heard this...
----"Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!" ----

I would love to have even juts one boat. I can even feel that i'd never stop this self flagellation as long as I am writing this freaking story and feelings for him. I tried to stop before. It didn't work. Just none boat and I'll be good.

with you and without you

Ian. It has been 7 years since I last heard of him. Some people would think that it's just a vague memory of the past. A page in my young life where I should get over with. But, I cannot. I simply cannot. I have been hoping I would. I need to but I can't. What's so wrong about it is that I did all the loving. He isn't just a figment of my imagination. He happened. He laughed with me. He shared dreams with me. He had a friendship with me. And that was all I got and I'm forever grateful. He can only fall inlove with someone that is entirely not me. How can I be such a sucker for a non existent romance? How? Why? Since then I never really got past the "want-to-know-more-about-you" phase when it comes to other men. The instant anyone shows an interest with me I let go. I keep on comparing them with Ian. Him who had taken my heart and never gave it back.
I have been waiting for years for that other person to love me. Take me as I am. Laugh at my corny jokes. That other personn who would look me in the eye and be contented with what I can give. I am already past my exhaustion with Ian. I decided last year that I'd get over him. I slowly am. I'm ready for another chapter were I also get the loving I deserve and then I'd love someone else more than I had loved Ian.

Maybe, the reason why no one attemps to hang out with me because I'm ugly. Am I less of a person because I'm dark? But then again that's another story. Christ help me. It's fun to smile everytime something I've read or see or heard reminds me of Ian. I have a feeling however that it's better to have someone wait for me outside my door nad then walk me home afterwards. I have this hunger and dire desire for a real deal. Come hither.

no can do

it's been ages since i last posted anything here and it has something to do with me getting bored with this useless dispplay of words. So I'd shut up now.