cosmic imbalance

Because life - much like a French movie - rarely makes any sense, but when it's right, it's right. And you don't question it. You don't think, you don't ponder. You just exist. --Josephine Potter

I've been falling, unwavering, still falling. Death might even be a familiar place or face all through out this existence. Since I don't speak (and understand and read, *sigh) a word of French I will agree with Joey here. My existence, as I observed, is understood by everyone else (but myself). They say that i'm like this, i'm like that blah blah. I have no idea that all I have to do is ask my neighbor who I am and I'd be enlightened. Amazing right? I'm sure you can't believe that ME, who lives this life, has no idea who I am. Oh. My. God.
Okay, I'm cutting the bullshit. I want everyone to understand that I am the only person in this whole wide world who's ever going to zero in on my freaking life. If I permit you, then go ahead and zone in me. But, if you are just another human being who cannot even be honest with yourself, then forget it. I am not telling you what to do and not to do with your life, but, please you're intruding my privacy. Stop, just stop. Let me be myself. I have no desire in medling with your life. I have no desire in asking you if you're still a virgin. That is no one's business kid. I am angry, sad, frustrated, betrayed and lost right now, I don't need another baggage to carry. Stop telling me to try to "be happy" I have been lonely for a long time that happiness is completely alien to me. You see, I just cannot stand people who are manipulattive, liar and fake. I don't deserve that kind of junk. Stop claiming that you care for me because you do not. If you can't take me being all out, saying what I want to say, being unapologetic then stop provoking me. It's not my fault that I am like this. There. I. Said. It.

Sometimes I just can't compare this kind of people to a cigarrette burning. You buy a pack. Expensive. You light a stick. Relaxing. You throw the stub. Gone. I used to "not care" about what anyone thinks about me. But I'm spent. So abused. Anonymosity? I have mastered that a long time ago. I've always given what you ask of me, but please don't take everything away. I have been preparing myself for a big dream I've come up with when I was 12, it's just so hard having someone or anything distract me. This year is like a metaphor for my whole existence. Okay, I'm done whipping the whirlwind.

Moving on. I'm such a hopeless romantic.

a halfway thing

whenever possible i tell myself that my life is blessed and i should be thankful. i know, being alive is enough of a blessing but, what can i say? the being living my life is a total mess. do you get what i mean? well, i do not. i can sometimes say i am contented enough but i also say i want more. more of what? that's the question.
ok, right now as i am typing i am very very annoyed at myself. i haven't been doing things I used to enjoy like writing literary peices, painting, travelling, running and cooking. my life is a big drum of stagnant water. Contaminated. wasted. useless. cold. tempting. Last year one of my write-ups was shortlisted for Youngblood. I was proud that my eccentric musings and bold discriptions was noticed. it wasn't published. I was devastated and please shut up with that speech of yours about keeping the faith alive and blah blah blah. I don't need it.
I have commanded myself to slow down at lashing my mouthful of sarcasm. i am a very honest, hitting-the-bone kind of person. I don't hide my disappointment, joy or feelings. whenever needed, i try to will myself to keep things to myself with due respect to other. Last week we had this "recollection" thing at Intercontinental Hotel manila. I noticed that almost everyone wishes for all of us to be oursleves, be honest all that crap... and i thought wait a minute.....if that's what they want then why is it so wrong for me to be my usual self? why why why

Upsetting isn't it? but whatever...

twentyfour

i was given a year to mend my ways. did i do it wisely? i can't tell. i did learn a lot of things. i did make things better than they were. i did learn to love myself the way i should have. i did learn to live and let live. i really don't have anything important to say, senseless i can tell. my brain have been whacked out from its pedestal and the world isn't helping a bit. blah, i told you this is all wasteland. i can;t believe gabriel tried to look me up. his purpose are undetermined and to be honest i so wanted to know it. last november third. i stayed awake for most of my birthday. looking at the ceiling. feeling sorry for myself. equally happy because my mum and dad called. my brother said hi too. sigh, my life is worthless. arrgggg....but it won't stay worthless for long. ahahaha..i better shut up.