check list

Late last Wednesday I went to church to attend mass with my friend and co-worker, I was tired but of course I still had the energy to stay awake. Besides I don't have anything to do after. It was the 23rd week o f the ordinary time (if you went to a Catholic school you know what i mean) and the First reading struck as hard as a speeding football in my head. It was of course my favorite verse in the bible, or let's say, chapter. It was from Paul's letter to the Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 13
1. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and knowledge; and If I have faith, so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not ignorant,
5. does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6. does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth;
7. bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things
8. Love never fails;

but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if ther are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9. For we know in partand we prophecy in part; 10. but when the percet comes the partial will be done away. 11. when I was a child I used to speak as a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when i became a man, I did away with childish things. 12. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will now just as I also have fully known.
13. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.


If you just take time to read that little thing scrolling across that lowest part of my blog, you'd notice that i promised I'd start living. I'll stop thinking. I'll stop all that shit Gaia and I shared. I love G with all my heart even if I am not supposed to, she had become a friend I could (and had) lean on. But life goes on. I cannot stay in this spot for long. I just can't and will not. Okay, my head is starting to spin. I'll be back sooner.

wonderland

this won't be the first time to hear this. Its always from people who either hates me so much or likes me so much. I do take it personally but I am not angry or whatever. I know my stupid moody behavior had been hitting buttons of other people sometimes and i am not even aware i am doing it. I wanted to apologize to everyone I have hurt, offended, bitched at or trashed. i am sorry that maybe I am too straight forward and i always expect people to do the same. i have so many misguided beliefs with life and i am sure of it. i had lived my life alone and my experiences is not enough to help me deal. I am trying really hard to do so. Thank you for giving me a chance to.
it should take effect today. again, i apologize.

nothing in particular

Maybe it is too late for me to give up whatver Ian and I had. I just can't get over the guy. Maybe because every other guy is compared to him. I sometimes hear myself say, "He is not as good smelling as Ian...This is guy's smile isn't as sweet as Ian..."I'm tired and sick and tired and sick but what can i do? tere is never a day that I don't think or remember him. every guy I come across with just puts up with the challenge I initially and already have within me. That's what they're longing for. as for Ian he saw as plain simple friend. and was how it is until he died. To be honest and technical. ian is not dead. but i told myself that i should pronounce him dead as for me to move on with my fucking life. I miss his golden tan, his loop sided grin, his sweet smell, his ability to make me laugh all the time. now its gone. all gone

whoever you are please please be here sooner before i totally lose my mind.