how to save a life

i often wondered why my mood swings are too unpredictable. i know mood swings are unpredictable but in my case its just too weird to analise. i miss my loner-don't-give-a-shit attitude. but i promised myself that this year i'd start living. so i am starting to live. i just hope that i have enough time just so i could have whatever i need to do done. i was, and still am, mad at April. how can he make me believe he is this dependable person who would be there for me whenever i need him? he made me think he is a posey. but whatever i am now too happy to ven care. my poetry has been on probation probably because of my bad behavior. whatever caused me to rethink the issue can be an attempt to regain myself from the hell house i am currently residing. hmmm, i really wonder why people her keep on telling me i am "nice". i am not. i so belive i am moody, bitchy, freaky, annoying and everything but who knows? its not for me to judge myself, right?
wait a second, i have a new list i wnated to share:

SOME THINGS I LIKE:

steaming hot java
bread
this blog
my chucks
Ed


SOME THINGS I DON'T LIKE:

smell of smokies on clothes
people who arrives late in meetings
long qeue in supermarkets
Ian

A THING I HATE:
not having someone to do my daily chores for me


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to continue what i was saying...i found this song written by Ed when G left NYC. Haha I so of course believe I am her. *wink wink*

Cane - Fearless - Ed on Gaia before she left New York City

It's been a while I thought I heard you say
We go a long way back
And now it's gone so
So you left, flown away
For the brothers day and I'll say
Fearless
Way down to the bone
Carrying yourself together
Cause you're way back home
Weightless, heavenly we seem
You don't have to bother
You don't have to stay

For what you are
What a price to pay
Some say your here so pride
I hope you find some way from you , a way from you
I don't know cause all I love you
Just a morning away our plans stay and I'll say
Just a morning away with the brothers day and I'll say you

Fearless
Way down to the bone
Drive yourself together
Cause you're way back home
Weightless, heavenly we seem
You don't have to bother
You don't have to stay

Fearless
Way down to the bone
Drive yourself together
Drive your way back home
Weightless, heavenly we seem
You don't have to bother
You don't have to

Fearless
Drive your way back home
Weightless
Fearless
You don't have to

naturally high

even though i haven't heard from G or Fargo as of late I am still sane. Or so I believe. It's like being in a maze, lost and confused and then you find out that your only hope, the only map you have, got drenched in your own sweat. Pretty pathetic. Obviously you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's a long story and I don't feel like wailing today. okay, so maybe i should wail. so, remember karen? My mum wants me to see her and have lunch or dinner ro whatever with her. it makes me a whole lotta uncomfortable. it affects my work and my daily life. You know me, i'm happy around people but i could be so damn sad when I'm walking home alone. is this how its supposed to be? why didn't anyone warn me about it? I looked for signs. i asked for guidelines. i didn't get anything at all. i am also saddened with the fact that my life have never been anything but a complete series of unfortunate events. it had been freaking me out a whole lot. You've seen me worried and scared and always angry. i promised my self i'd start living but how??

I miss Jason, the only friend I had who actually takes note of what I like and don't like. hmmm. earlier i asked my chief if I could move out of the hellhouse i've been sustaining. she ssaid okay, that's all right with me. weird but i really find it hard to break a bad news with any one. I remember michael doing it in a sleek almost discreet way that made me too shell shocked to even react. it took me weeks to finally realize he was letting go of me. Seriously though i am in the midst of getting myself back on track. i really feel stupid living this shitty life i have. it occured to me now what a loser i am. whta's there to worry about? i don't have anyone i send my cash to. i have no parents, no brothers, no sisters i need to support. what the fuckin hell is wrong? what what what

moving on. someone told me yesterday that i am making a clown out of myself. i don;t know what exactly she meant but it stung. my smile vanished. the sunshine just disappeared. is it too weird that i always try to be nice to people? is it too uncommon, super strange even, that i can actually stay happy and sane? what's the deal? darn, where's g when i need her. :(

oh well.

somewhere in time

somewhere in time. where, i have no idea. i have been having little quesy days as of late. my life seems to be in a big rush of some sorts and i just don't know how to deal with it. a seemingly endless night was wasted last saturday waiting for jayme. i was so pissed but then agian i was too tired be pissed. i can't believe she stood me up. she lived right across the coffee shop. i was there and i live an hour away! so, i ended up having coffee by myself. letting the time pass with myself. thinking of a nice relaxing day for myself. sigh. i am so over this. i don't know if i'd ever want to see her.

be back soon.

past each other

sometimes i take things too seriously. i always think of the best. and more often than not, i get disappointment. you may not have any idea what i am talking about. have you ever felt something suddenly surge up your system and then you felt too happy that you think you'd burst? and then you'd realize that you might be the only one who "feels" that way? in my case i think i always do. take these past few days. there's this person who makes me smile with no reason at all and (well, there is obviously a reason but) i do "almost feel" that it might be mutual but hell. what the ...sigh

be back soon

not now

so much for privacy. i have this feeling that these self appointed good people doesn't care about privacy at all. you see, they are the ones who try really hard to make what they see (read: outside appearance) to look good. in my end, i'd rather feel good than seem it. so, now, these "posers" roams around anytime, everytime. what do they exactly do? they make you look downright ugly. so ugly you'd rather keep yourself tucked under the table not to be seen by anyone at all. supremacy? maybe, not for a long shot. its not my soul they're pushing to hell.
so, i haven't heard, seen, talked to Ed (Fargo) as of late. Let's not talk about him though. Oh, hey, Lance Bass of the now defunct* N'SYNC just admitted he is gay. amazing. i soo love honesty. i just didn't expect it to be him. remember that movie he starred in to few years back? the train lady thing? the one where he would enumerate American Presidents backwards? he looked manly. or i must have been blind.

bored. im bored.