fucking depressing

"here i am once again, i'm torn into pieces" as what kelly clarkson says in her hit song, behind these hazel eyes, i don't really like kelly clarkson, she just happened to be an amazing singer. so anyway, i'm here again and i'm torn into pieces. i am terminally fixated to depression. sigh8 when do i stop hating myself? did you know that nikko said i'm a bully? then what do you call him? a fuckin saint? i haven't in my entire life met a man who would ask a girl to fetch him his god damn own windbreaker 2 miles away from where he is standing and ask you to run because he wants it in 2 minutes. i haven't met a fuckin saint who would just sit down and ask you to call someone in the other room because he is waiting for him. i haven't met a fuckin saint who'd always end up looking like a victim and pretend that it's cute. can't these assholes see that? if he is being a fuckin saint i am going to be his sweetest devil. i am very very annoyed. yesterday i went shopping for some bigger handbag i found a sanrio store that sells those fancy, kid themed bags that would look super in my outfits and that stupid-know-nothing salesclerk "suggested" maam, pambata lang yan eh. tang ina! paki alamera,, she doesn't fuckin know what individuality and fashion is. i wanted to have a smashing-not-everybody-wears-this-bag-because-they're-not 12-anymore look but obviously that jerk doesn't know it. i later realized she just wanted to humiliate me because i can't afford her 1,200php lady bag. such maggots. hmmm, i wonder what G or Ed is thinking right now, if they're looking at me i mean. gawd, i want to get drunk. really drunk. stupenduously drunk. more drunk than i could handle.
basta. i'm pissed off.

hay, namimiss ko na naman si reginald. hay, iniisip ko namana yung isa habang pinipilit kong isipin si reginald.
damn myself. so pathetic. hysterical. hahaha.

i'm trying to will myself to get my ass out of this shit. but no, my stupid alter-ego resists.
gawd i am so panget.
there, said it.

i'm off.

damn paranormal

see earlier i typing this hate entry for my self. not that i don't hate myself but this current situation is degrading. can you believe i am jealous? that guy? me? jealous. arrggh.. i need to get a love cleansing spa or something, or well, whatever i need to do. maybe i should drown myself with enough coffee and i'd be able to pee him out of my system. i just can't believe i am even feeling this kind of emotion towards that...that guy. i guess he falls under the "allen paul" category. i just realized, yeah, he seemed to be under that category. the JB guy is under the "reginald" cathegory and he is the i should have this stupid things for. but no, my emotions just betrayed me. i can't even make it "undo" his work. gawd.
oh.my.gawd.

what the fuck. i never felt this friggin annoyed before. i feel like strangling the girl or something and to think i like the girl. i really do. oh no. i am so dead,
i'm off.

bye.


okay, after 30 seconds i'm back...
i just want to show this latest phot of mine. for some unbelievable reason 90% of my friends thinks that i look so "supermodel" in this pic




uh, huh..and Jim said its because I haven't slept for 30 hours when I took the pic. haha. whatever. you decide, if you feel like throwing me a shitload of comments fine, i'd love to publish them. i am such a bore when it comes to actual ceremonial shit that people call sex. I mean, yeah i am still inexperienced (read: friggin'virgin) for the love of my nonexistent first "good enough" boyfriend perhaps.now, my case in point is, how did that unfair circumstance occur when i am actually good in the pre-everything process?
what i mean is that i am the one singing that Pussycat Dolls hit "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend is...like me" shit. According to Ms. JackQ, I am a pussycat...haha. whatever that meant.
wait, where was I?
ah, my picture.
I feel like cutting my hair short and thank God I made a decision not to. My plan now is just have it straightened back to what it was a year ago. I feel like shit, i'm really off this time.
latez.

me? fateless?

i came upon a point in my life where all i do was worry about someone else. all of my closest childhood friends knows that i am a worry freak. that i am the girl who can't say "no". so yeah i decided to be a bitch. rough huh? i can't think of any other words to describe it besides i have been working on that title for years. i can't anymore see my old self lurking somewhere in me. i was too naive too nice too everything undesirable. i told an old friend two days ago that i am not the same person she grew up with but i still am that person she grew up with? you'd understand what i mean. in the past days though i have been dragging myself back to my "pre-reginald days" and the "post-reginald" period loves my depressing state. maybe if i just follow what my brain says i'd be able to have a better life. but then again, i wokr better with my heart coaching every move i make. Pao haven't called me in ages. I keep on thinking it might be a busy month. We haven't pursued our travel plans and it sucks. sucks big time.
okay i'm being a lame ass... so yeah, whatever you are reading now is for jerkur hiatus.
and i'm too busy attending a seminar for lame asses... and
*sigh

bye now..

now what?

so how am i going to start? if someone else's mouth breathed these words out i'd have a good comeback. but it came from moi so what? in the past weeks my evil had been lying low. i'm not wondering why, it was me who wanted that aura radiated somewhere in this company. sucks if you ask me, i'm bored with being all nice and cute. ewww, okay so maybe i still have that glare that can melt an entire glacier but hell! i am still bored. i miss having someone to throw banter at. i miss a certain cocky, smart, almost funny boy from the beyond. sigh, my life is a total hell house. i can't even figure out what circle it is located. hmmm, maybe if dante didn't come up with that stupid '"circles in hell" theory i might actually have an answer to my own questions. but no, my brain is drained beyond repair. i miss regienald. sigh. i miss the man again. i still have this vivid picture of him in my brain that won't go away. maybe i infected _ _ _ _ _ _ with caneysitis (which is incurable) regie on the other hand had infected me regie-flu or something. he doesn't show any sign of leaving my system. arrggghh... please please just be dead. i'd rather hope your dead than think of you tangled together with the she-wolf called your girlfriend. hmmm...wait, if my boy reads this, he surely will run to the hills, leave me unsatisfied and alone and well, untouched.

hey, i read somewhere that there is a club or something in NYC that is called CIAO BELLA, funny because i used to call this nuthouse ciao bella (which as you notice i changed to "almost a diary")...hmmm, creative if you ask me.

i'm off babe

leo

here, take my hands
moonlight is shining through
my hungry heart
your hurting soul
they're here to collide

here, look at me
the night is almost over
my searching eyes
your lost words
its time to unite

i feel your fingers engulf
my senses
your shaky breath all over my face
soaring. soaring high. you held me close
together we landed
together we crashed

i wrote this one earlier this moring when i had nothing to do and my brain went sentimental on me. sadness was bursting in my lungs and i was hungry too. i haven't had anything but sweet cookies and endless cups of coffee. i miss someone. i just don't know who. later this afternoon I went to Don Bosco chapel and prayed. Prayed for myself, for my well, for Yan. he had been MIA since last week and I am worried sick. The guy's a damn saint and I feel threatened that he is slowly drifting away. Not another Christian. Christian, the man who fled. The man I can say who knows me well. The only difference is that Yan embodies me with his powerful presence and I feel intoxicated without him. I mean, I love him, right? I sure think I do.
I'm losing it again. is it because I am desperately thinking of someone else instead of him? Is it because my thoughts are automatically routed to this...this guy. This guy who makes me laugh, this guy who...I don't know, this guy lights up my senses all the time. Well, that was when I was still seeing him around. I am by the way starting to really really get pissed off at Nikkolai. That shit head. Granted to everybody else he is cute and all, but for me, he is just a passing duck. I am not physical appearnce kind for starters. I could, it's fun to have crushes and all, but blah. I want substance. I want honesty. The reason I'm telling you this is because for some pathetic reason that shit head thinks I'm all over him. what. the. fuck. I should stick to my old self. The bitter, jaded, cynical thing. I should be "joey" once more. Ah. i'll give them one more chance and i'll ditch them all. Besides, I have other plans in mind. Oh and I saw jaycee tonight.

like hamster

things had been too heavy for me to carry. granted, i am handling them so well, but i can't seem to find the time to sit back and relax. i proposed to Y- and he didn't email me back. or called. hell. it knocked the wind out of me. have you ever heard of paranoia indused smile? that's what i have been sporting since. crap, i'm gonna lose my mind.