i see dead people

i used to really get pissed easily. not that it matters now but i'm just wondering..."where's catherine a lumayaga, and what have YOU done to her?"..if i ask an old friend that question, she obviously won't get what i mean, but if i ask dan that, he might have second thoughts of answering me logically. on a very plain context, i guess there's really nothing shameful about the new me. take a look at me and you'll see me glowing and all. i know i'm still a mess after work. you'd say that my license as a girl should be revoked but hell, i love my colossal slobbiness at times. oh and yeah, i still love controlling people. not controlling as "do this do that," no that that. i am talking a bout a very different kind of "controlling". and i don't feel like explaining. i'm a wimp. i have been thinking of getting banged. this isn't the first time i did, it has been running in my head for months.i had the chance last month but i ditched it. i do have the right to pick right? i mean, i am not that ugly you know...

so anyways...im bored. i miss being alone. i miss walking alone, at night, roaming makati's dark streets. checking out how people react. pathetic hobby. hmmmk, i miss jason. gawd, i miss his curly hair, his almost honey colored skin, i miss the strenth of his grip, , i miss buying mango ice cream at midnight with him...wait, wait,, that's not jason, that's regienald..oh crap. not again...i have issues i can tell. i'm still too hung up on the guy who got away. the bestfriend i'll never see again, the guy who stole my heart and never gave it back. i must move on, i should. time's ticking quickly. I am trying to whack my brain and think of that person who insists in calling me Katia. the name is magical, so russian and no, not like that fat, big boobed starlet. hmmm. okay im tired, bye

wildest fantasy..not

"I'll trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday."
This is a part of some old sixties of seventies song and i don't know the title. In some weird way (okay, not weird, everything reminds me of Regienald) it made me think of the guy. The moment I found out that he is gone forever, I went running on the streets while a monsoon was going on and i didn't know where to go. I was so scared and shivering as my tears were falling. I didn't regret leaving him to live somehwhere else. besides, he had a girlfriend then and we were just, well, bestfriends. Now, I hope its fine with him that I'm finally letting go. It's been years and I'm tired of wishing. No one really dies and lives again right?
Funny how things happen. Surely, Dan is going to help me out with this silly thing I'm going through. and, sigh more batches of boys-who in some sick way has no interest in really hanging out with me -just arrived. Hmmm, (insert laughter here), maybe I can play tongue twister with ..hahahahahah....ewww, i can't even imagine it. What if, The Messenger asks me out? That would really really be exciting. I can't wait to rip his shirt off and..oppsee, my hormones goes haywire again. So what if i'm a goddamn virgin? I mean, there's always a first time, correct?

I haven't heard from my friend Marvin for ages, even Marbin. Man, these guys must be too busy to even send a smile. Sigh, I'll admit I miss my boys back in college. the overflowing testoterone, the childlike banter...
They say that a kiss will tell you everything about a person...I've proven it doesn't. For starters I haven't played tonsil hockey with a single guy I liked, and when I actually kissed this freak boy stranger I met when I was perpetually drunk, I thought I've just committed a heinous crime. Arrggg, the thought of it...Back to business...Okay, I never kissed Jason, but we always always hold hands when no one is looking (ie under the table) and I thought I knew him. Sure, the guy makes me laugh in ways I can't fathom and I knew, we both knew, it will soon pass. One day though, I saw him sitting accros this girl and my brain went haywire. I was a jealous freak. I didn't think i wanted to share him with other girls. It was soo stupid that I almsot laughed at my self. Then came Norman, the aethiest. Another passing. All the boys I met, what do all of them have in common? They all drove me crazy with their bizaare mood swings. Such a shame I wanted a normal guy now. Okay, so, where to?

sige na nga, tagalog muna

kaninang madaling araw, sinilip ko ang mga sasakyang dumadaan sa tabi ng gusali ng RCBC. Naisip ko, dalawang bagay lamang pala yun una, maiisip mong makapangyarihan ka kasi nasa taas ka (28th palapag) at napakaliit ng lahat ng bagay sa labas ng bintana o pangalawa, matatakot ka dahil pag bumagsak ka, eh di, durog ka. patay kang bata ka. nabanggit minsan ng isang bagong kaibigan na natatakot siya sa matataas na bahagi ng gusali kung saan siya'y naglalakad habang nakikita ang mga tao sa baba. para bagang, tumatawid ng overpass (pasensya na po, hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ito sa tagalog). Hindi ko nga maunawaan ang kanyang nararamdaman. Tinanaong ko kasi si Nikkolai na kung takot sya sa matataas na lugar eh bakit lagi siyang naka upo sa tabi ng bintana. Naunawaan ko na lang na, magkaibang takot pala ang kanyang sinabi.
Takot. Matagal na panahon ko ng pinangarap na ako'y maging manhid. Hindi ako mahina. matapang ako at lahat ng taong aking nakilala at nakakakilala sa akin ay mapapatunayan iyan. Mungkahi nga ni Dan ay subukan ko namang bagalan ang mga bagay bagay. Ayaw ko sa maraming tao. kung magugustuhan ko man, ito ay dahil madaling mawala sa isang lugar na puno ng mga tao. hindi ako mapapansin, hinid ako iintindihin ng sino man. subalit, natatakot pa rin ako. marahil ay lagi kong nararamdamang mapipisa na lamang akong bigla. hindi ko alam.
nitong nakaraang mga araw, naisip kong tama nga ang mahal kong si nickos, kapag hindi ko pa inalagaan ang aking sarili, walang mangayayari sa akin. malakas ang kutob kong magugustuhan ko ang aking hanap buhay ngayon. masaya ako at ako'y napili nila sa dami ng aplikante.
masaya ako at nakakilala ako ng mga taong hindi ako minamaliit, pinagtatawanan at kung ano pa. ni hindi ko nararamdamang ako ay may sakit at malapit nang...
hindi ko na dapt iyo isipin pa. kapag nga pala may nag aya sa aking lumabas, yung pribado, malamang ay matatawa ako.

titigil na ako sa aking kabaliwan, nahihirapan na akong mag isip sa tagalog eh.
hanggang sa muli.

i really wonder why

i never really noticed until college days that most of my friends are men. I don't even know why and how they find me all cool to hang out with. Today, another one joined the list. I mean I know I promised a friend that I'd start looking at things that I never looked at before. Is this one of them? being "un-shy" with/to EVERYBODY? I mean, I've been trying really really hard to keep up being jumpy, smiley and stuff. I think its going to be all right. In the back of my mind, my cynical, jaded bitter self still speak louder but, she seems fine with my new self.

wish me luck, at last I'd be wroking in a LEGAL company.
Ah, I am so excited to spend a night in Subic...summer outing...all giddy!

what the fukc. i was hanging out in my new offices' lobby/pantry when i realized I LOVE HEIGHTS! I'm located at the 28th floor and the pantry is wrapped with this glorious glass window. Ah, for the love of me, please please, have Jamelyn ask me to sleep over her apartment again. I sooo love the place. I took some pictures of the view outside.. oh god, i can't find the goddamn pictures, its here somehwere...blah

by the way, i think i'm going to love this new place. even if i'm broke and no one cares, it will still be all right. i already have a friend. haha

I make friends pretty easily. I'm fun. I know how to have a good time. People are drawn to me. but I'm not always drawn to them. I never saw this coming but I'm now in having more tha just friendship with a man. Who that man is? i don't know yet. It will be really difficult for me. i am not pretty, I am not fun, i am completely boring, who would like a girl like that? So, i promised my self that I'd be more concious about my looks. keep on wearing more lady clothes and throw away all my boy clothes. I'm wearing my hair down and there's no way i'm going to cut it short. Nickos approved of it. haha. Oh well,he liked my bob before I guess, it's just a guy thing . I don't know. speaking of Nickos, we haven't been talking lately, i don't know whats wrong. the last time we talked we already forgave each other, so what's this silent treatment about?

God, i miss the guy. Sigh. I have a sick feeling though that Nickos and I will eventually meet our perfect matches. i've known the guy for 6 years and well, i'm perpetually confused. oh my, i remember Nickos saying, "Kitty, I like you and all but I am not sure if i'm ready to commit." what did that mean? what am i to him? a security blanket? someone he can run to whenever he lost all hop[e and no one else cares?

i hope Kats and boyfriend will be used in one sentence sooner. without the words," joke", "dream" and "someone else's". So if it's not Nickos? who is? andy? ian?

blah

have you ever heard of the saying that, when you smile and there's no one else around, you really mean it? i guess it's true. sometimes when i am working on my training materials, or when i'm sorting my to-be-laundered-clothes, or when i'm looking outside the window in our office, i smile...

i short, blood rushing through my veins kind of smile. funny what happens in an ordinary night in Makati. Amazing how I'm walking slowly to work , wondering how'd i survive in the next few days and then the next i'm talking to nickos again. poor guy, he'd been busy. i miss long talks with him, i miss our usual banter, i miss him calling me "lily"...i'm just worried most of the time...i know he told me he loves me, deep inside my heart, nickos have a place in it. he haven't told me he loved me, or that...i don't know...the most beautiful words i've heard from him was, "seriously, k-, i wouldn't know what to do without you."

i'm praying that he'd be the one who'd do "the sign" I asked God to show me. the sign that will tell me who i would end up with.

on friday i'm going to church, i'll thank God for everything..

i have new friends!

nikkolai, russel, vicarl..coolness sweethearts!

hey, did you know that i like being stared at? although if i catch anyone staring i always make a fool of myself..hahaha

bored bored

i miss nickos
i miss nickos
i miss nickos
i miss nickos
i miss nickos
i miss nickos
i miss nickos
i miss nickos

hello hottie

what can i say? my life just gets better than well, the past of course..i am abusing someone else's office today by using their US phoneline and internet connection. ah, sometimes being abusive could be fun.

i stayed with my relatives this week end because i was soo broke i can't even affor5d fare money. i was, still am!, glad that i always always throw coins in my little box of a coin bank. see i saved about 250php(5usd)1 its enough to feed me in the next 2 days. argg. i hate it when im broke and i've nowhere else to go. *sigh.

mum's birthday!
mum's birthday!

it's my mother's birthday today! i don't even have anything to give her. im such a shame. oh well, she understands for sure, that's how she is. the best best mum in the world. i know, even if she blatantly asked me to STAY THE FUCK AWAY from her sisters she's still cool. which reminds me to go to my doctor tomorrow!

my aunt's niece (with her family in tow) temporarily stayed in her house. Gawd, I so can't believe it she was sooooooo yabang!(boastful) i don't even wanna write about it because i am soo annoyed and blah. blah blah

okay bye now. laters babe!
give my hugs to the Lord. Im glad to see You again.

i morphed...

before:-sings-Never win first place, I don't support the team I can't take direction,
and my socks are neverclean Teachers dated me, my parents hated me I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror I can't take the person starin' back at me I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah LA told me, "You'll be a pop star, All you have to change is everything you are.
" Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribesomethin A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribesomethin A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else

now-sings-:Something in your eyes makes me wantto lose myselfMakes me want to lose myself
In your armsThere's something in your voice makes myheart beat fastHope this feeling lasts
The rest of my lifeIf you knew how lonely my life has beenAnd how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone tocome alongAnd change my life the way you've done
Feels like home to me (2x)Feels like I'm all the way back whereI come fromFeels like home to me (2x)
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belongA window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the nightBut I'm alright cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the darkthere's lightIf you knew how much this momentmeans to me
And how long I've waited for your touchIf you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so muchFeels like home to me (2x)Feels like I'm all the wayback where I come from
Feels like home to me (2x)Feels like I'm all the way backwhere I belongFeels like I'm all the way backwhere I belong