moving out

i already told you yesterday that i am moving out right? b ut now its official
i was trying to will myself to get my butt out of the room and get going a day ahead but well
i can't i scheduled this one 2 weeks ago so i can't just cancel, because of my new landlady's schedule
so here i am smoking....i know i know
i already quit like years ago but i wanted to do something i don't always do just to see how it feels like...

what can i say i have been boring myself lately...there's nothing wrong at being optimistic and showing it is there? no i don't think so...but, whatever happened to my ever-always-angry-look? i miss it! surely, boys have been throwing a more casual lo0ok at me...they used to only stare at me when i walk past them but now, they'd say hi or even punch in some wholesome joke.
i in my selfish way wanted something different, hoping that i am still the optimistic-no-smile-evr-girl i've always known. now, that i am moving, i want a new life, i just hope there will be no more of those fucked up asswhores like Lhot and the rest of SS including that idiotic freak I met with them. Gawd I wish that never happened but it happend and i can't just erase it can i? no no i can't...for some reason though, it made me know what kind of people i should hang out with or should i continue hanging out with, i was in my Lilly mode then so bah, awful awful...

oh and yeah, i am staying out of Gabriel he..just because..

Yeah yeah

I knew it, the only difference now is that its official, I'm going to lose my job again. And its not even because of a poor performance, it's because the account will be dissolved.
anyhow, I was asked by john Clements consultants Inc. To train with them prior to working for them. No one said anything about being paid and all but I heard "the training, is for free"...The lady who told me from HR was too bubbly i can't ask her if I'd be paid.

oh well, if ever i get a spot in the Technical department I'd get better numbers on my bank account...wait, i don't have a bank account...
anyhow....i don't know what should be done.

this is the nth time that a starbucks barista had mistaken me for Carry...well, the last time it was karl...at least this one sounds feminine...anyhow this is also the starbucks where i got to calm my nerves because i got lost in Makati...darn, Makati looks different at night...i was walking in oblivion for an hour and a half!

and there was no one to ask because there is no normal person who would walk in the streets of makati just because...and i was looking for a landmark tha was surprise! torn down...

by the way...aloha aloha

i was told that Gabriel went looking for me in my place! unh noh! that's not possible I thought...all good between us anyway, and his mom really wanna meet me...and yesterday too i found out that my mum is diabetic...well lola too but its just sad and she didnt tell me until i told her that i am feeling sick each day and no one knows...

mum, you'll be fine...hugs hugs

bye em-c i'll miss you bakla and oh, please please for the love of me, don't judge any of my friends...wether you think they're gay or they're bulimic or anything else..okay?

....i knew , i knew i really really want to just crumble..i know i promised to take care of myself , i know He have greater plans for me but I was wondering if its OK to cry at night, in the darkness when no one is watching. This journal won't be read by anyone I know personally. So, I won't mind telling. They wouldn't care anyway, no no


-sings-You with the sad eyes Don't be discouraged Oh I realize It's hard to take courageIn a world full of people You can lose sight of it al lAnd the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small But I see your true colors Shining throughI see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful, Like a rainbow Show me a smile then, Don't be unhappy, can't remember When I last saw you laughing If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there And I'll see your true colors Shining throughI see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colorsTrue colors are beautiful,Like a rainbow

nice song, this might be my last friday in this beautiful neighborhood called Ortigas Center. Ahh, I'd miss the beautiful snotty people and the ever snob rich old foreigners.

I am just hoping I'd have a really great time in Makati. Although my new place is tucked in a not so pretty neighborhood, the room itself is spacious and totally clean with a huge closet and I didn't even spot a roach. Hah!

freedom and its perks.

aha! i knew it!

boo! okay so i am torn between two choices..i've read somewhere that in order for a person to be happy there shouldn't be too many choices, there's only two but they're pretty much huge... so, i love san antonio village, i know the peope there already and its close to evrything else. i wanted to move here in makati but i have a strong feeling that some asshole is going to robe me of my peace of mind... i've been weighing my optioons and i decided that i stay in San antonio in the next few months...until I'd find a nice apartment or room that i can live in to. isa pa its closer to most of buddies, Jamelyn, Mon Christopher, even Benny or that vendo machine in Gold Loop. haha, which reminds me to ask myself why do i love vendo machine? may it be soda or coffee or hot choc...i love vendo machine... wait i have nothing to say anymore i'm telling you though that i am so okay to even worry about it ;)
just like heaven
...just like heaven
-sings- "Show me how you do that trickThe one that makes me scream" she said"The one that makes me laugh" she saidAnd threw her arms around my neck"Show me how you do itAnd I promise you I promise thatI'll run away with youI'll run away with you"Spinning on that dizzy edgeI kissed her face and kissed her headAnd dreamed of all the different ways I hadTo make her glow"Why are you so far away?" she said"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with youThat I'm in love with you"
i looove this song and so is the movie...i watched it like over and over again. somehow it reminded me that women should ALSO take care of themselves. I know women are normally nurturing but its usually for other people, maybe their kids, their husband, family but they forget themselves. then i understood how important is it for me to love myself too and that i should stop nurturing myself.
besides as Gaia says, I am feraless, I am not afraid of pain but I can still feel it........ so even if I am fearless and I am not afraid of pain I MUST choose to be happy because when you are happy you are thruly BEAUTIUFUL, right?
Now, seeing things differently, I can say that I won't be like Ian in "If Only" who only realized the meaning of love AFTER his girlfriend's death. he was given a second chance, in reality, not evryone is given the cjhance Ian had...
I feel so different, as if I am not me, but then again didn't i stipulate before that I don't know who i am? Someone stated I'm bisexual, a lesbian courted me once, a guy broke my heart (glad he wasnt my boyfriend, it could've been worse) and wahahaha
i dunno, i should stop babbling...
i am not moving!!!!!
i'm staying at SAn Antonio! I choose San Antonio! ahahaha

tell God and my latest week end

my mother knowing that i'm still struggling with a lot of back issues sent me this message saying that I should tell God all my P's, problems, pleasures, plans and He will give me His ABC'sAnswers to prayers, best favors and courage to go on.

this is my cousin Juliana "Nana" Faye Asprer. isn't she adorable?

Yes,just days ago, I was kind of feeling defeated. A big surprise since if you know me, nothing stops me from moving along(although i move in a lazy daze). So, after much debating with mysel;f I decided I won't take my mom's offer of a parent supervised life. It's not a pretty thing, as I told Marvin, I might love watching tv and cooking for my family I also happen to love working, and receiving paychecks. In a way or another I'd be able to achieve what I wanted if I stay. It will help me get a better place to live in. awww, I feel jealous with Jamelyn having that spacious condominium she rents (or her parents rents for her)...and I remember Pepe asking me if he can move in to my place if he visits me. Good ness why is it that my guy friends thinks that I am not conservative. yes, i can be coy, or one of the boys kind of girl but...a guy friend and me under one roof? arrgghh...

*i miss my straight should've been long hair now....i had my curls because i was so jealous of that gilr in that TV drama now, i just want my straight hair back and rebonding is so expensive...ahhhhh! i need someone to fund my rebonding dues!

quoting moore
...quoting moore


yesterday i went to see an old friend. and uh, i won't spill the details because i dopn't think i can say it since i have this spider in my brain right now that keeps on babbling a lot of things (or so i think) THAT my sane self insists I should keep it to myself.

get it?

NO? why? haha. yeah i know you won't understand what i mean, but i am telling you all of those? they're all good. no ill thoughts, I don't do that.

i really should start staying away from Yan. i mean i thought he is the "one" but after some serious consideration, i know he isn't
1. he claims to have no religion
2. he finds it OK for him to talk trash BUT if I talk trash he calls me disrespectful
3. he doesn't have at least a bit care on things that I am passionate about (writing, photography)
4. he says something and does the exact opposite

So, Marvin said I should let go...Michael said nothing because I haven't (no he is soo busy so we haven't talked) told him anything and Pao said "screw him"

i am so confused if only i'd meet this totally sensitive, sensible and sexy in all aspects(ah, did i say that?) guy i'd really be glowing all the time. I thought it was Gabby but he LOVES everything Marilyn Manson (uh, that painted mean singer) so I crossed him out of my list, besides he did a very unforgivable thing of not being true to me so....
I thought it's Regienald but well, he sees me as a friend and that's more than enough for me to stop obssessing about him...i thought it was Jason but he was or is soo childish and sometimes it makes me not grow...

so I am praying for it, rather than hunting (it didn't work) or waiting (i don't think it'll work)...so i am praying exactly how Lian asked me too...

me myself and i
..me myself and i

a tiny detail i want to keep on doing, making sure that i take the proper medication, i follow my dermatologist's advise, obey my ENT's instructions and so on...
okay, in a month or so I'd get a better and healthier skin that i used to have when i was still young..
hah! me and my super sensitive skin that i kept on abusing... hopefully my love for hugs over kisses will do the trick i heard somehwere that hugs are beneficial to one's health.

all right, so Jaymelyn wants to go to Puerto Galera with me...ah the beach..i dunno how to swin but I love the ocean....
and she asked me to buy a swimming wear

serious problem...oh no!


my last week end
.. my last week end

remember a month ago i wrote about "my latest week end"? i have this feeling that i only write anything like that if the week end was worth remembering...
so this latest week end is...
first after my friday shift i had this horrible headache, i'm telling you it soo bad i just wanted to lie down on the srteet to rest...and my fruit shake didn't even work...man, what was that? i felt as if there's a world war 3 going on inside my head!

so i went home asap after my fruit shake and butter bread breakfast and slept for about 4-6 hours. Jamelyn had been calling wanting to hang out with me so i said OK, I'm free sundays. So i'd meet her late sunday nights to watch tv or dvds and go home...
before saturday ended, i decided to text message people i haven't seen for ages, only opne replied, poor me, i feel so unloved and unwanted
ah, never mind, Dan was enough to make me feel OK again.. haha! and Pepe talked to me again, who the hell is Pepe? he is an old friend too, sadly i din't have his number so I only text messaged a few (most of my old friends are back home in IloIlo).
Hmm...I missed having coffee and talking to someone for hours!
The last time I did that i was led into a deep well of strips.
I was stripped of my self steem, savings and bubbly days.
Those ex gay friends! argghh! they! grrr...forget it
back to my week end..
it was refreshing to have someone who would really listen to me and then I'd get satisfied after. it's refreshing and it might help me with my quest for a new me! yehaa!

thanks D!

okay bye now...
hugs and kisses

you think i actually believe you?

blast form the past
blast from the past
I didn't realize that having a vacation from him could turn everything around. I started to see people in a different perspective. I wanted to go to clubs and prolly get lost with the crowd. I met this raunchy lost sould who taught me that there's more than what meets the eye, and of course that's just how Norman is, It's like a dream come true. Let's clear the cobwebs in your brain, he is not my bofriend and I don't fancy him to be. He is my alter-ego.My other self, whatever you call it. He is the male version of me. Minus the color. He is white, stark white I'm tan, golden tan. I'm taller than he is. I just wish I never took Joan with me when I first dated him. That seemed to be my jinx.

Holy week
Holy week
okay moving on ...for some reason the last week end i just went through wasn't so holy as they wanted. who's they? well, those darn church people. ok, erase darn i might just get into serious trouble. now, how is it possible that i remember jon bon jovi , four of them donated 1 million dollars to oprah's charity. i mean, one million dollars? so cool

what the
what the
i hate plastics, the kind that is associated to fake people...like, liars, manipulative liars and all
these are the kinds you should be careful of
oh god, spare me this life
okay wahtever, i just know that i was right in the first place
trust no one
these bloody asses can tell me anything using there stupid faces guised with a smile but
i am not buying it
no fuckin way

on a lighter note....yesterday for lunch i went to MegaMall's not-so-crowded at 8pm food court, the counter lady (nice lady) gave me two plates, to sets of table napkin and two cups for my soda all because i ordered two cups of rice a regualr order (usually for 2) of sour soup.ah the sweet mistake , she thought i'm prolly with someone maybe a mother, a sister, a boyfriend?? why, maybe because i was wearing my skimpy skirt that made some boys stare at my legs first before my face?

arggh...so so sweet of her..i love it when someone mistakes me to be engaged or something, funny thing is why people dont seem to believe me when i say that i never really had a real boyfriend(i dunno if that idiotic highschool kid counts, i didnt really like him and he was dating someone else too)

well, 5 hours or so ago i had something in mind to tell you, my newly appointed journal, but as i am now writing i totally forgot what to say, how to write it and why should i say it. i might be losing my mind, in the past i can vividly write everything even if it happened. Now, my brain and fingers are not in speaking terms.

i am fearless...i am not afraid of pain, but i can still feel it

this will be my last attempt to document what i'm feeling right now. i spent some time to make sure i wouldn't look stupid tomorrow. i wanted to look good atleast. but still i cannot get rid of the upcoming pain inside me. why do some friends insist that it's easy to be happy? they never were in my position. they don't know what i've lived for the past 23 years in my life. words are not enough to describe how it was. to some hearing what i've gone through makes them a genius to advise me about life. i just want to disappear somehwere else, i could go to paris, to london, to prague. i wanted to live a life where no one thinks of me as a complete nothing. can't they see? can't they see?
hen i was younger i remember seeing pictures of me crying. when i was younger everyone just think of me as a good for nothing bitch.can't they see? can't they see?
enough of this i have a bad day to look forward to.

klownz quezon ave
klownz quezon ave

since my mother was soo ashamed of my personal style i had to wear my long sleeved work shirt and jeans to Klownz a comedy bar along quezon avenue. it was fun for them anyway. i am not the kind of person who would laugh at other people's expense. the hosts likes to make fun of the pople they ask to come on stage and sing. like, they make FUN of them.

anyhow, that's not why i am writing this, i was eyeballing this chinese, hot chinese guy, who was staring at me too. so i caught him staring and i stared back. only flaw was he was with his girlfriend and i was tuck in between my aunts. sucks. he was too young i guess, only 19-20? i dunno. we just kept on staring at each other the entire night. i don't know hwy he would be looking at me ( i was seated in a far corner so its impossible he was flirting with the wall) but hell, he was so hot.

never again
never again

i want to tell you about a not so surprising news, "my mother asked me to never again get nera her sisters." funny, her sisters who looks at me as a dirt. her sisters who would only talk to me if they need someone to do some errand. she also said that i always put her in shame. she said that she is hurting too when they talk about me as if i'm a big nothing. hah. mother, mother, no, you are not hurt for me, you are hurt for yourself. you want someone whom you can be proud of because she's beautiful, smart and perfect. i'm not mother. i'm comfortable wearing jeans and a loose shirt and my black sneakers. i am not like your nieces who wears those pretty clothes and heels and perfume. mother, i am just a simple human being. why are you so ashamed of me? i didn't rob a bank, i didn't kill anyone why why?
remember when i told you i wish im gone?
it didn't mean i wanted to die
it means i wanted to be somewhere else..europe maybe? or somewhere in singapore, or hongkong...
i wanted to start a new life...
i promised you that i'll never be near any of yur sisters anyway so you can be happy
have a happy life
don't mind me weeping slilently at night
don't my sad eyes everyday
don't mind me
i'll be fine
i hope so
bye

i. am. athena. shesshhhh...

well, if you wanna see the original version click here.

Not again

today, I'm kind of being melodramatic, I watched Just Friends and I felt like this dork who wanted to go home and stay with mum and pops. Since, that is not how it's going to be forever, I kind of thought I could A.) live by myself, stay unmarried for the rest of my life, cook dinner for uh, whoever and watch TV when there's no work to do. or b.) get myself a worthy specie, raise a family and have grand kids.

main thing is i miss cooking. i miss experimenting dishes and making a presentation. i just miss being home. *sigh i soo hate my life...

mister ryan reynolds

what can I say? ryan reynolds was sooo adorable in his latest movie. the first time i saw the trailer i was like "...i've seen this guy before" so, i went online and tadaaa! he was in Blade Trinity. awesome...here are some pics, taken from Blade Trinity and Just Friends..
1. Blade Trinity as Hannibal King
2. Just Friends as Chris Brander here with Ms. Anna Faris
3. Blade Trinity
4. Just Friends
5. Blade Trinity
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

He is dating (and is engaed to be married) to Ms. Alanis Morisette (sp?)..grrrrr.....