glad to be back

i must apologize to this page for ignoring her for months.
a few weeks back, i just suddenly felt i needed to check my email and blog, to my surprise an unexpected email arrived in my inbox.
i was startled, not surprised, but glad at the same time.
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I'm praying for all the ondoy victims.
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I'll talk in pages later.

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the truth is lately I've been indifferent and uncaring with what I used to be. I'm still a free spirit but this time something changed. I wonder what i gained in the short slow motion trance I went through. After the accident I made a choice between choosing and wanting to live and allowing and accepting I could die. I learned not to hear words I don't like. I've learned to recreate myself, like an upgrade. All this time I blamed someone else for whatever my life turned out to be but in reality it all my doing.
There are people who always hated my guts, my opinions and such I learned to discard them as soon as I hear about it. After all they're just another person, so what if they're realted by blood as long as it's not me then, it's just another person.
When Yan said hi, with or without malice, I realized just now as I was grocery shopping that i was a bit irritated. He doesn't have delicacy huh? I admit that the love I felt for him was created solely in my mind. In my ideals. Since he was not around I don't have to deal with a daily company. I never really had a relationship before, whether anyone believes it or not. Yan was like a better version of Ian. In my mind the idea made me happy but it also made me sad.

Same goes with people asking me why I'm not married yet. They don't understand and they're not interested with the reason why so I just brush it off. If anyone listened they'd realize that I haven't had that thing that is older than humanity, one true love. I always say these matter of factly just as the only way to make me realize this issue is a very strong force of nature.