what the f***?!

I do not know where to start. here I am again in the position where I'm not really lost but I really don't know where I am. I'm really pissed off about all the things that is surrounding me and I just hate hate it. I feel like crying as well AND I also feel like KILLING someone. Nope, I wasn't abused today. I just feel as if my efforts at living a good lifestyle and working really good at being a nice human being is being balled up into a big crumpled brown paper bag and being tossed into a smelly disgusting trash can. A friend of mine once mentioned that my blog is the only one she reads because I'm not the usual ranting and raving kind. Today I beg to be different. I am the kind of person who cares about things even if I say I don't. That's just how I am. I'd care even if you keep on scandalizing or harassing me. I'd care even if you were never nice to me (or to any one) as soon as you'd ask for help or whatever. I'm tired of this pathetic charade of shambolic way of being. I am very mad at Ras for being a bitch to me numerous times even if I never did her wrong. I'm annoyed at people who would still backbite you even if you never did them wrong. I hate being treated like trash because I deserve better. I hate the fact that my brains and talent is NOT being utilized for something more rewarding than putting the problems created by others on my shoulders. I hate the fact that even if I am doing something about it I still don't see any change or good results at all. To be more precise I hate being taken for granted. I have feelings too even if I'm a forgiving, understanding and strong person. I also get hurt and it's just horrible because I have no one to lean on when I feel so down and beaten. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I don't. Is it so difficult for anyone in this city to act educated at least? Prior to settling here I heard a million stories about how amazing this place is and how amazing the people are and yet I haven't experienced a tad bit of that broadcast. I've given them second, third and fourth chance and still NOTHING. As I said I'm close to committing a very very bad mistake. It's so frustrating that it's almost bleeding to death.

By the way I am using the company's computer unit today because I don't feel like going to the usual place where COLLEGE students are so noisy that it's a wonder their voices couldn't reach Singapore. I'm also trying to stay away from those annoying kids who keep on asking money, food and the like. No, this has nothing to do with what Ala wrote in here blog(as of late). I've had the same issue and I wrote something about it in my previous entries. I do however agree with her.

Right now my mind is filled with so many if only's.

These if only's just as long as they happen I'd be really really happy.

I want to be happy.

I deserve to be happy, right? I mean I think I do.

About the entry before this. I take it back. I shouldn't have written that. I won't erase it but I am taking back everything I wrote there. Whatever that "idea" was I don't care anymore. Really. I don't. I'm sick and tired of caring. I'm sick and tired of carrying this fucking weight on my shoulders. I'm sick and tired of being a freaking push over. Seriously. I am.

You know what else I'm tired of? I'm tired of waiting for that fucking someone. I'm tired of wishing for a Shred, Nomiya, Danny or Jack in my life. I'm tired of figuring out why I'm attracted to a person who doesn't even know I exist (also, he is gay I think). I mean c'mon, what the hell is wrong with these people?! Or is it me? There's no way I'm taking the advice of those geniuses who thinks they more about life than everybody else. You know what they asked me to do? Here's a list: loosen up, enjoy life, don't say NO to anyone who asks you out, try not to be intimidating. The trouble with the "loosen up" is that I don't have a freakin' idea what it means...the trouble with "enjoy life" is that it's not working...the trouble with "don't say NO to anyone who asks you out" is that NOBODY asks, okay maybe there was but hell I can't bear to even spend a second with him. ...the trouble with "try not to be intimidating" is that there's no way I'm going to change the way I am. I'm no fake that's all.

Sigh. I am such a big mess.

For one day. Please let me be happy.